One Lump, Or Two With Your Coffee?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I’ve said before in other blog posts that part of the reason for the problems we suffer these days is the direct result of the staggering number of stupid lawyers who are being allowed to qualify from our universities in spite of the fact that they are clearly unfit to hold down a proper job in the legal profession. 

Thus we have many of them turning into ambulance chasers to try to eek out a living, whilst others encourage equally dumb people into taking spurious law suits against decent people and  businesses.

The judiciary does not help by their tolerance of junk law suits and by some of their decisions, the stupidity of which take one’s breath away.

We’ve had the morons who sue people like McDonalds because they say they didn’t know their hot coffee was hot or their iced coffee was cold.

But just when you thought you’d heard it all, in one recent case a man claimed caffeine drove him to molest women.

Kenneth Sands was convicted July 3 for groping two women and three teenage girls after a volleyball game in Onalaska, Oregon, on Oct. 18, 2011.

His sorry-assed defense?

Blame it on the caffeine.

Sands, a school bus driver for the Rainier School District, attempted to argue in court that caffeine “caused a psychotic episode,” reported KOMO News. “My son-in-law and daughter have never seen that kind of behavior from myself,” Sands, 51, told the court.

This “behavior” that Sands claims caffeine induced includes grabbing a 46-year-old woman’s breasts several times during the game and later trying to grab her butt as she tried to get away; grabbing a 15-year-old’s butt outside of a bus after the game, and then slapping a 16-year-old’s butt as she was getting on the bus. Sands climbed aboard the bus and touched yet another volleyball player before he was kicked off, the Lewis County sheriff’s office told KOMO.

Thankfully some sanity prevailed on this occasion and the court ruled that caffeine was not, in fact, the reason behind Sands’ aggressive and lewd behavior. He was sentenced to 30 days for each of the five counts of fourth-degree assault.

Sands’ caffeine defense might have been inspired by the “Twinkie defense,” ABC News suggests. San Francisco supervisor Dan White successfully avoided a first-degree murder conviction for the 1978 assassination of San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, claiming his sugary diet caused depression.

Dr. Martin Blinder, the psychiatrist who presented the “Twinkie defense” during the 1979 trial, told ABC News that caffeine could not hold up as a defense because it is made from coffee beans, which are all-natural. “We have no evidence that coffee is harmful,” Blinder told ABC.

Rest assured: drinking too much coffee will not turn you into a serial groper.

One lump, or two?

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Come On Down! It’s Another Quiz Show Answers Monday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Another Monday has been thrust upon us, but we have to make the best of it and what better way to start the week than by looking at another selection of stupid answers given on tv quiz shows. 

I hope there’s at least one or two in here to bring a smile.

Enjoy.

Q: Name a part of your body that's bigger than it was when you were 16.

A: Penis (A woman gave this answer!)

Q: Name something you might lose in a golf match       

A: Your pants   

Q: Name the movie where John Travolta gave his most memorable performance 

A: The John Travolta Biography 

Q: Name a word that starts with the letter Q       

A: Cute

Q: Name a signer of the Declaration of Independence    

A: Thomas Edison (You can imagine the light bulb coming on in his head)          

Q: Name a sophisticated city.   

A: Japan

A: France         

Q: Name something you wouldn't use if it was dirty        

A: Toilet paper  

Q: Name someone a married man claims his mistress is when he's caught in public with her

A: The cheerleader next door     

Q: Name something this country imports too much of    

A: Foreign goods          

Q: Name something that comes in twelves         

A: Dozens

Q: Name a reason a young man would want to marry Martha Stewart      

A: He's gay

Q: Name a kind of bear

A: Papa Bear    

Q: Name a vegetable you've never eaten           

A: Cactus         

Q: Name something that lets a burglar know that a house is unoccupied 

A: No people in the house          

Q: Name the age which someone with good vision might need reading glasses   

A: 15   

Q: What is the most dangerous number (i.e. act) in the circus?   

A: 69

Q: Name something that might be a few weeks late        

A: Dying

A: Menstrual cycle

Q: Name something you put cinnamon on         

A: Butter          

Q: Name an occupation whose vehicles must always be ready to go      

A: Teacher       

Q: Name something Charlie Brown might do      

A: Snoopy

Q: Name something that can kill a lively party    

A: A gun          

Q: Name an article of clothing women buy for their husbands     

A: Halter tops   

Q: Name something someone does that annoys everyone in the room    

A: Fart 

Q: Name an animal that begins with the letter E  

A: Ecuador

A: Iguana

A: Eggplant      

Q: Besides America, a country starting with the letter "A."           

A: Asia

A: Amsterdam  

Q: Name a state beginning with the letter "M"     

A: Mexico        

Q: Name a drink people mix with alcohol           

A: Rum

Q: Name something on an elephant that's huge  

A: Butt 

Q: Name something that you buy and then have to take good care of it  

A: An infant      

Q: Name a gift you give that comes in a bottle  

A: Milk 

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Unusual Ways Of Saying Someone Is Stupid

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This blog is about highlighting stupidity and hopefully doing it in an entertaining way – well, most of the time anyhow. There are a lot of ways to describe someone or something that is stupid.

Here is a short list that I found on the internet (plus I’ve added a couple of my own favorites). Some of them are quite amusing.

If you have a favorite or know of any others please send them. I’d be more than happy to add them to my list. 

Enjoy.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a happy meal.

A few beers short of a six pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

The light is on but there’s nobody home.

Q: What Is More Dangerous Than An Idiot In A Car? – A: An Idiot In A Very Fast Car

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

No, it’s not another quiz. I think you could categorize it as one of those “it seemed a good idea at the time” stories. This is the story of an idiot whose stupidity and a fast car brought him to a premature end.  

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. They were mystified.

The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

It took the CSI type people in the lab to finally figure out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. So the sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt.

The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.

The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading "How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

================================

It’s Another Funny Factoid Friday, Here Are Eighteen Universal Truths

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s another Friday and time for a few more of what I call factoids, although this list is entitled Universal Truths.

That does not mean that every one of them applies to everyone, but from personal experience I can vouch for the accuracy of quite a lot of them.

Enjoy!



1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.



3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.



4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.



5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.



6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.



7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.




8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.



10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.



11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.



12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.



13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.



14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.



15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.



16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.



17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.



18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.


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Synchronized Grinning Is NOT A Sport, Olympic Or Otherwise

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I was making a comment on a post by AFrankAngle yesterday concerning the Olympic Games which open tomorrow, but started yesterday. Confused? You should be.

My contention was that synchronized grinning (okay, okay, swimming, but it was too good a line to waste) was not a sport, let alone an Olympic Sport. That’s not to say that it isn’t competitive, it is. Just that it is not a sport.

So why has it been included in the Olympics?

Simply because we have morons in charge of the Olympic Committees who decide such things.

Before anyone decides to hop, skip and jump to their defense, particularly over the synchronized swimming lark, think about this.

A few years ago, specifically in the Olympic Games held between 1984 and 1992, they also had the bright idea of including Solo Synchronized Swimming  -  which wasn’t a sport either.

It doesn’t take a giant intellect to realize that it is a challenge (i.e. not flipping possible) for a person swimming alone to be synchronized with someone else who is not there. The average person could figure that one out in under three minutes.

Yet it took the organizing idiots of the Olympic Committees three Games worth of years to figure it out.

I think solo synchronized swimming is what they call an oxymoron  -  and how very appropriate a name that is!

It wasn’t an isolated faux-pas either. They also tried underwater swimming in one Olympic games, but that was in the days before all-sorts-of-angle-tv coverage. They eventually figured out that it would be very unpopular with spectators coz no one could see anything! Maybe now with underwater cameras it could make a comeback, but let’s not encourage them.

And for a while other non-sport sports included Olympic Club Swinging, where the crazy participants swung a club around for a while. They didn’t let go of these things, which looked like bowling pins, or juggle with them which would have required an element of skill, just swung them around their head and body in various patterns.

That was probably the precursor to the modern Olympic Rhythmic Gymnastics discipline, i.e. running around with hoop, ball, ribbon and clubs. It also is not a sport.

But the problem is bigger than the Olympics, or getting the flags of North and South Korea mixed up (can you believe it!). It is a symptom of a much bigger malaise in our society, because we let the very same type of morons make other much more important decisions.

When morons are elevated to positions of power and influence they don’t get brains handed to them as part of their appointment, they are still morons. And morons make moronic decisions.

And when they do we suffer, not them.

The flags of North and South Korea, so similar, er NOT!

The Life And Times Of Col Dan Raschen

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I’m sure you have never heard of Col Dan Raschen. I would guess that very few have. I only found out about him and his series of autobiographical works thanks to a mention by Mr Stephen Pile in his Heroic Failures book. Born in 1925, Raschen was in the British Army for thirty-three years and retired with the rank of Colonel.

Whilst Col Raschen cannot be classed as either stupid or a failure, he does nevertheless rate a mention in the fasab blog because his journey through the military ranks was not without a few bumps and bruises.

His four books of autobiography are written with a self-effacing modest humour and if you are interested in that kind of work, well worth a read.

They include adventures such as…..

After Wellington College and Peterhouse, Cambridge his service in the Royal Engineers took him, at the end of World War II, first to a new campaign in the East Indies then back to India for the country's partition from Pakistan (Book, “Wrong Again Dan!”).

When he was on his way to India to join his regiment he lost all his underwear and his only pair of pyjamas while washing them out of a porthole. All the ship’s cutlery went the same way when he threw out a basin of dishwater. The troops had to eat with their fingers for the rest of the voyage.

On arrival he was instantly accused of murder. The case only foundered when he pointed at his supposed victim grinning cheerfully in the growing crowd of onlookers.

So enthusiastic was his performance during tests for a commission that after the obstacle course he had to wait for other less interesting candidates to finish so they could come back and rescue him from beneath a railway sleeper.

Whilst in charge of three amphibious tanks, he lost all them in one week. Two got stuck in a pond and one went through the wall of his own accommodation.

After completing his degree at Cambridge, Dan volunteered for the Korean War, where the pheasant shooting was of high repute. Because the pheasants lived in or near minefields, which were Dan's particular concern, he managed to combine pleasure with eighteen months of war (Book, “Send Port & Pyjamas!”).

For one so exquisitely disaster prone a career in explosives was the inevitable course.

Back in England efforts were made to train Dan in military technology, and his subsequent soldiering was unusually varied in scope. After a spell in a weapons design team, he went to the Central Pacific to command an independent unit and to advise on coral blasting (Book, “Don't Step on a Stonefish!”).

After an intense period of training he arrived at the South Pacific to blow up some coral reef, never having attempted it before. His finest hour came when he moored his own boat to the very bit of reef that was receiving his closest attention.

In his own words he says, ‘One likes to think that there have been people who have been worse, but admittedly it does seem unlikely’.

Home again, Dan was an ammunition instructor before returning to Cambridge to command the University Officers Training Corps. His second command was of a Royal Engineers regiment in Germany. Then he and his wife, Judy, were delighted to spend three years in Sweden with Dan being the British Military Attaché (Book, “Diplomatic Dan”).

On his return to England Dan was Project Manager for Infantry Weapons, and then a Colonel at the Royal Military College of Science, Shrivenham, Oxfordshire. After retiring from the army in 1979, he continued to work at the College as a scientific civil servant for a further twelve years. While there he invented "Raschen Bags", an indestructible cushion for use under mortars.

==================

Possibly The Most Rejected Book Manuscript In The World

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Gilbert Young was as aspiring writer, something that will find sympathy with many bloggers and blog readers I’m sure.

But Mr Young has not been the most successful of authors. In the 1970s he wrote a book, World Government Crusade, and last reports indicate that it was rejected by more publishers that any other manuscript. He even wrote to the Soviet Ambassador to see if Russian publishers might be interested. They were not.

He amassed a collection of 205 rejection slips.

It’s all hardly surprising since the subject matter of his book outlined the policies of the ‘World Government and Old Age Pensioners’ Party’ that he had founded in 1958.

But whilst Mr Young’s manuscript may well have been worthy of rejection, sometimes publishers have made serious errors when assessing work submitted to them by aspiring authors. Stupidity is indeed everywhere!

Take a look at these famous examples and the publisher’s comments. It’s a fairly long list, but interesting to see the variety of great writers who started off their careers being rejected. Many of them will surprise you!  

Thank goodness they were persistent enough to carry on. Another good lesson there for aspiring writers today.

Perhaps rather fittingly, whilst the authors and books they criticized have gone on to become household names, the publishers doing the rejecting have long been forgotten.

Enjoy.

“Lady Chatterley's Lover” by D H Lawrence

'for your own sake do not publish this book.'

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“The Wind in the Willows” by Kenneth Grahame

'an irresponsible holiday story'

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“Lord of the Flies” by William Golding

'an absurd and uninteresting fantasy which was rubbish and dull.'

--------------------------

“Watership Down” by Richard Adams

'older children wouldn't like it because its language was too difficult.'

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"Valley of the Dolls" by Jacqueline Susann 

Susann's “Valley Of The Dolls” received this response, "...she is a painfully dull, inept, clumsy, undisciplined, rambling and thoroughly amateurish writer whose every sentence, paragraph and scene cries for the hand of a pro. She wastes endless pages on utter trivia, writes wide-eyed romantic scenes ...hauls out every terrible show biz cliché in all the books, lets every good scene fall apart in endless talk and allows her book to ramble aimlessly ..."

---------------------------

“Crash” by J  G Ballard

‘The author of this book is beyond psychiatric help.'

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"The Torrents of Spring" by Ernest Hemingway

Regarding his novel, "The Torrents of Spring", Ernest Hemingway was rejected with, "It would be extremely rotten taste, to say nothing of being horribly cruel, should we want to publish it."

----------------------------

"Moby Dick" by Herman Melville

Melville was told, "We regret to say that our united opinion is entirely against the book as we do not think it would be at all suitable for the Juvenile Market in (England). It is very long, rather old-fashioned..."

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William Faulkner

Faulkner may be a classic writer to this, as well as prior, generation, but back when he was trying to crack the publishing market, he had to read letters like this one, "If the book had a plot and structure, we might suggest shortening and revisions, but it is so diffuse that I don't think this would be of any use. My chief objection is that you don't have any story to tell." This was kinder than the rejection he would receive just two years later, "Good God, I can't publish this!"

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“The Deer Park” by Norman Mailer

'This will set publishing back 25 years.'

-------------------------------

“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” by Anita Loos

'Do you realize, young woman, that you're the first American writer ever to poke fun at sex.'

--------------------------------

“The Diary of Anne Frank”

‘The girl doesn’t, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would lift that book above the “curiosity” level.’ 

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“Lust for Life” by Irving Stone

Stone’s manuscript “Lust For Life” was rejected 16 times, with letters like this, "A long, dull novel about an artist." Eventually he found a publisher and went on to sell about 25 million copies.

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“Barchester Towers” by Anthony Trollope

'The grand defect of the work, I think, as a work of art is the low-mindedness and vulgarity of the chief actors.  There is hardly a lady" or "gentleman" amongst them.'

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“Carrie” by Stephen King

'We are not interested in science fiction which deals with negative utopias.  They do not sell.'

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“Catch – 22” by Joseph Heller

‘I haven’t really the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say… Apparently the author intends it to be funny – possibly even satire – but it is really not funny on any intellectual level … From your long publishing experience you will know that it is less disastrous to turn down a work of genius than to turn down talented mediocrities.’

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“The Spy who Came in from the Cold” by John le Carré

‘You’re welcome to le Carré – he hasn’t got any future.’

----------------------

“The War Of The Worlds”  &  “The Time Machine” by H.G. Wells

Wells had to endure the indignity of a rejection when he submitted his manuscript, "The War of the Worlds" that said, "An endless nightmare. I do not believe it would "take"...I think the verdict would be 'Oh don't read that horrid book'."

And when he tried to market "The Time Machine," it was said, "It is not interesting enough for the general reader and not thorough enough for the scientific reader."

----------------------

“Animal Farm” by George Orwell

‘It is impossible to sell animal stories in the USA’

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Edgar Allen Poe

Poe was told, "Readers in this country have a decided and strong preference for works in which a single and connected story occupies the entire volume."

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 “A Wrinkle In Time” by Madeleine L’Engle

L’Engle's “A Wrinkle In Time” was turned down 29 times.

-------------------------

"Bridge Over River Kwai" by Pierre Boulle 

A rejection letter said, "A very bad book."

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"The Clan of Cave Bear" by Jean Auel

Auel was told, "We are very impressed with the depth and scope of your research and the quality of your prose. Nevertheless ... we don't think we could distribute enough copies to satisfy you or ourselves."

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"Jonathan Livingston Seagull” by Richard Bach

The publisher of a magazine refusing an offer to bid on the paperback rights to Bach's best selling novel said, "Jonathan Livingston Seagull will never make it as a paperback." Avon Books eventually bought those rights and sales totaled more than 7.25 million copies.

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"The Fountainhead" & "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand

Before Ayn Rand became known as an intellectual and her books as classics, she too received rejections. Of “The Fountin Head” they said, "It is badly written and the hero is unsympathetic," and, "I wish there were an audience for a book of this kind. But there isn't. It won't sell."

Of “Atlas Shrugged” doing the rounds some fourteen years later, "... the book is much too long. There are too many long speeches... I regret to say that the book is unsaleable and unpublishable."

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“Lady Windermere’s Fan” by Oscar Wilde

‘My dear sir, I have read your manuscript.  Oh, my dear sir.’

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Jorge Luis Borges

'utterly untranslatable'

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Isaac Bashevis Singer

'It's Poland and the rich Jews again.'

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Anais Nin

'There is no commercial advantage in acquiring her, and, in my opinion, no artistic.'

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Dr Seuss

"too different from other juveniles on the market to warrant its selling."

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Beatrix Potter

“The Tale Of Peter Rabbit” was turned down so many times, Potter initially self-published it.

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Rudyard Kipling

Kipling received this from the editor of the San Francisco Examiner, "I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just don't know how to use the English language."

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"Journey Back to Love" by Mary Higgins Clark

Although mystery writer Mary Higgins Clark more recently has received a $60 plus million dollar advance on her next five books, in the early 1960s when she was sending out her manuscript of "Journey Back to Love" the publishers were not so generous, saying things like, "We found the heroine as boring as her husband did."

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Colette

Classic writer Colette was told in a letter of rejection, "I wouldn't be able to sell 10 copies."

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Emily Dickinson

Only seven of Emily Dickinson's poems were ever published during her lifetime. A rejection early in her career said, "(Your poems) are quite as remarkable for defects as for beauties and are generally devoid of true poetical qualities."

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Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

‘... overwhelmingly nauseating, even to an enlightened Freudian … the whole thing is an unsure cross between hideous reality and improbable fantasy.  It often becomes a wild neurotic daydream … I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years.’