911 Emergency Calls

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”




A relative quick and funny post for the start of a new week. Always helps a bit to add a bit of humor to Mondays, I think.


This one is about 911 emergency calls. You would imagine that 911 calls would be made by serious people about serious events, that’s what the lines are set up for. But also because of their nature you don’t have to be qualified to use them.


When the intellectually challenged make a 911 call, the results are just about the same I reckon as when they make ordinary calls – unbelievable!


Here are a few examples.


Enjoy!




Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?


Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.


Dispatcher: Do you have an address?


Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


 - - - - - - - - -



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?


Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .


Dispatcher: Excuse me?


Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.


Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?


Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


 - - - - - - - - - -





Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?


Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.


Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.


Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one


Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.


Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


 - - - - - - - - - -





Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?


Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart


Dispatcher: Is this her first child?


Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


 - - - - - - - - - -





Dispatcher: 9-1-1


Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath... Darn......I think I'm going to pass out.


Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?


Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.


Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?


Caller: No


Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?


Caller: Running from the Police

 - - - - - - - - - -

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Hi, is this the Police?

Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

 - - - - - - - - - -

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

Caller: Fire, I guess.

Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

Caller: I was wondering...does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

A Story For Saint Patrick’s Day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s St Patrick’s day, so maybe a story with an Irish flavour today.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside a local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said,

"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 euros to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 euros to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.

But still the fire fighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of over 65's.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 euros and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief,

"What are you going to do with all that money?"

“Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de furst ting we're gonna do is fix de fekkin brakes on that bloody fire truck."

Have a great St Pat’s Day, and if you’re having a pint of Guinness (or unlucky enough to be having a glass of green beer instead) remember that old Irish toast,

“May you be in heaven a good half-hour before the devil even knows you’re dead!”

And finally, an Irish blessing,

"May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, 

the foresight to know where you're going, 

and the insight to know when you're going too far."