Yesterday
the subject of my blog post was a rather nice story about a farmer in England
who had put a lot of thought, time and effort into creating a memorial tribute
to his late wife. I called it “Well done
Winston Howes, Who Says Romance Is Dead?”.
A bit out
of character for this blog perhaps, but I admire people who do things that are just
that little bit above and beyond the call of duty.
Today,
however, you could say that “normal
service” has been resumed. You could probably tell from the title, “Hard Luck Mr Scott, The Romance May Dead
But Your Wife Isn’t!“.
This is a
story about another Englishman. This time a Mr Peter Scott from Southsea who
has gone down in history as the least successful husband at trying to murder
his wife!
All in all Mr
Scott made seven attempts to kill his wife.
And
the strangest thing of all was that she never once noticed that anything was
wrong.
It
all started in 1980 when he took out an insurance policy on his good lady that
would pay out a quarter of a million British pounds in the event of her
accidental death.
Shortly
afterward, he made his first attempt to cash in when he placed a lethal dose of
mercury in her strawberry flan. Unfortunately for Mr Scott the heavy mercury all
rolled out.
Strike
attempt # 1.
However,
not wishing to waste this deadly substance, he next stuffed a mackerel with the
entire contents of the bottle. This time, to his delight, his wife ate it, but,
to his dismay, with no side effects whatsoever.
Strike
attempt # 2.
Warming
to the task, he then took his better half on holiday to Yugoslavia.
Recommending the
panoramic views, he invited her to sit on the edge of a cliff, but she declined
to do so, prompted by what she later described as some "sixth sense."
Strike
attempt # 3.
He
tried the same type of thing a few weeks later when he urged her to enjoy the
view from Beachy Head, the famous 500 feet high chalk headland in the south of
England.
Strike
attempt # 4.
Then,
when his spouse was in bed with chicken-pox he started a fire outside her
bedroom door, but some interfering busybody put it out.
Strike
attempt # 5.
Undeterred,
Mr Scott started another fire but only succeeded in burning down the entire apartment.
The target of his arsonist adventures escaped uninjured.
Strike
attempt # 6.
On
yet another occasion he asked her to stand in the middle of the road so that he
could drive toward her and check if his brakes were working.
Strike
attempt # 7.
Unbelievably,
at no time did Mrs. Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage. She
must have been sooooo dumb!
Finally,
since it appeared that nothing short of a small nuclear bomb would have alerted
this good woman to her husband's intentions, he eventually gave up and
confessed everything to the police.
After
the case, a detective said Mrs. Scott had been "absolutely shattered" when told of her husband's plot to
kill her.
I wrote a post on my blog a while ago called “It Always Surprises Me How One Thing Leads To Another!” and so it has again. I was intending another subject for today’s post but a recent comment got me thinking about Obamacare and the recent SCOTUS ruling.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to go into an analyses of that just now apart from making this small point.
When Obamacare (some people call it The Patient Protection and Affordable Healthcare Act), became law on March 23, 2010, it contained a provision that requires all Americans to have private health insurance coverage starting in 2014.
Further than that, any American who does not, will have to pay a penalty, up to 2.5% of his/her income, to the IRS.
Now I know that, if you can afford it, having an adequate health plan is a sensible thing. But legislating to make it compulsory, well, that's a different thing entirely.
I am astounded that more people haven’t been kicking up their heels and screaming about this, which is in effect a tax or fine for something you didn’t do, rather than something you did. But they haven’t. Maybe it is because 2014 is way in the future, like just a few months away (duhh), and therefore nothing needs to be done.
So, I’m thinking if they get away with this, and they seem to have, whatever is next. And then it hit me, so to speak.
Sex.
Some moron either in the Oval office or in a square office in the Senate or Congress will come up with the idea of legislating sex. I don't mean they're going to make it compulsory or otherwise, just that we'll all need to take out relevant insurance to cover it, so to speak.
Now, although you may not have realized it, fasab is a helpful blog. Always going the extra mile to assist people where possible, either by highlighting the bureaucratic bunglers in our midst, or trying to amuse, or being informative.
Today it’s the latter (it isn’t really, it’s the middle one), because I have come across a list of the correct insurance companies for sex. The list can be found below.
Enjoy!
THE correct Insurance Companies for sex, depending on your tastes) are:
SEX with your wife - Legal & General
SEX with your future wife- Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone- Direct line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me Happy
SEX in a hurry- Insure & Go
SEX with your boyfriend - Standard Life
SEX with a transvestite - Confused . com
SEX with some one different - Go compare . com
SEX with a wild animal - Compare the meerkat . com
It’s Friday
again so time for another few funnies. This time another batch from the
insurance claim file. I hope you enjoy.
"I was driving along the motorway when
the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the
middle lane and there was another car in the way.."
Q:“Could
either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?” A:“Travelled
by bus?”
"On approach to the traffic lights the
car in front suddenly broke."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car
hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"The other car collided with mine without
giving warning of its intention."
"The accident happened when the right
front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"My car got hit by a submarine."
(The Navy
informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to
the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub
was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end
of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water.
The Navy paid the compensation claim.)
"I bumped into a lamp-post which was
obscured by human beings."
"The accident was caused by me waving to
the man I hit last week."
"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was
his fault for he had been knocked down before."
"A house hit my
car."
(A
house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the
side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and
eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had
the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming
the story.)
Always try
to start the week with a smile. This time it is with the help of another
helping from those rather confused citizens who write reports to their
insurance companies after an accident. They always make interesting reading and
usually raise a smile or two.
As ever,
hope you enjoy.
I collided with a stationary truck
coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield
into my wife's face.
The other car collided with mine
without giving warning of its intention.
My car was legally parked as it
backed into another vehicle.
When I saw I could not avoid a
collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the
car in front I struck a pedestrian.
I started to slow down but the
traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was
attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the
driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same
place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my
car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left
immediately for a vacation with injuries.
I saw her look at me twice. She
appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
The gentleman behind me struck me on
the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a
yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)
The pedestrian ran for the pavement,
but I got him.
The guy was all over the road. I had
to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would
never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way
to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian
but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old
gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
Today I
started to write a blog post about something entirely different. Then I came
across another selection of motor insurance claims. I always enjoy these. It is
fascinating what the general public can do with the English language. They don’t
quite kill it, but they certainly torture it a bit.
Here’s
today’s selection.
I hope you
enjoy them.
The
claimant had collided with a cow.
The
questions and answers on the claim form were –
Q: What
warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What
warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.
Who is to
Blame?
No one was
to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver
had been alert.
I didn't
think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I had been
shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an
intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other
car.
The
indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big
mouth.
I was going
at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles
so I lost control.
I was on
the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way
causing me to have an accident.
On approach
to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
The
accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
Windshield
broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
No
witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I had been
learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was
enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The
accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner
without giving a signal.
I had been
driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I left for
work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus
was 5 minutes early.
An
invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I knew the
dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if
I had thought there was any risk.
The
accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the
pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started
to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at
the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
We’ve
touched on this subject before but there are far, far too many idiots allowed
to be put in charge of motor vehicles. Inevitably these morons at one time or
more end up crashing, sometimes it is a solo effort, at other times they take
some other unfortunate with them.
However it
happens, the inevitable result as well as the police becoming involved is that
the insurance companies are quickly brought on board to fight the cases.
Here are a
few descriptions given by some intellectually challenged drivers to their
insurance companies trying to explain the mayhem that they had caused.
Poor
doggie. You’ll see what I mean.
Coming home
I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I told the
police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a
fractured skull.
I pulled
away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the
embankment.
I thought
my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I
approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop
sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
accident.
In an
attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I saw two
kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused
me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I was
thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some
stray cows.
The
telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when
I struck the front end.
I pulled in
to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I
realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with
a blanket.
It’s always
good to start and end the working week with something amusing. Takes a little
of the dread out of Mondays and on Fridays sets the right mood for the weekend.
Here is
another selection of examples of the public at large putting pen to paper
without engaging brain first. We’ve seen what can happen with lawyers, Church notices, in the
ER, and on the 9-1-1 telephones. This time we have a selection of extracts from
genuine letters sent to a government Pensions and Insurance Office.
Hope you enjoy.
"I
cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"
"This
is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"
"Mrs.
Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been
visiting her."
"In
reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far
without result."
"I am
forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake
as you will see."
"Sir,
I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."
"Unless
I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."
"I am
writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be
confined next week and can do with it."
"I
have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one
died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."
"Please
find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do
anything until he is sure."
"In
answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds.
Is this satisfactory?"
"You
have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any
difference."
"Please
send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."
"I
have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all
night."
"In
accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed
envelope."
"I
want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all
week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."
"Milk
is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."
"Regarding
your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are
hurting terribly."
“Three groups spend
other people’s money: children, thieves and politicians.
All three need
supervision.”
Dick Armey
One of the
things that stupid bureaucrats do is make stupid laws. Increasingly they are
making it harder to catch and punish criminals. It’s starting to happen more
and more in the United States, it started happening a long time ago in Britain.
When you take away punishment, or you make doing jail time ‘easy’, or you make
it possible for criminals to sue the people they have perpetrated the crimes
against, then all you end up doing is encouraging crime. It is as simple as
that.
But let’s
make one thing very clear before I go on with this blog.
The vastly overwhelming
majority of people are decent and law abiding. That is true of almost every
country and city you could mention, even those with unsavory reputations.
But
unfortunately it is also true that every country and city does have its
criminal elements, whether it be serial killers, one-off murderers, fraudsters,
drug dealers, arsonists, or whatever.
I don’t
like any of these groups. But there is one group in particular that I detest
above all.
I HATE
thieves!
It isn’t
because their crimes are any worse than the others, in fact they aren’t. But
your odds of running into a serial killer or even a murderer are thankfully
very rare. Similarly, if you don’t deal in financial matters your chances of
being defrauded are slim (banks excepted of course because along with the
politicians they are currently committing the greatest fraud of all time and we
are all the victims). If you aren’t into the drug scene then you are unlikely
to mix with drug dealers, etc etc.
But
unfortunately your chances of becoming the victim of a thief is not so rare. As
a matter of fact sometime in the average person’s life they will experience
some kind of theft, from the petty kind such as someone taking a cel phone or
purse or wallet to the more serious thieves who feel they can invade your home
and steal and destroy your property.
What is the
mentality of these people that makes them think that they can take other
people’s property or invade their space? It’s a bit like the mentality of an
annoying fly that thinks it has the right to crawl all over your face or a
mosquito that decides to feast on your blood.
Sadly when
you report these crimes to the police they have reached the stage where they
tell you the chances of catching the perpetrators are extremely slim. You’ve
lost your stuff, if you can make a claim on your insurance, do it, otherwise
tough luck! You are never compensated for the invasion of your privacy,
however, nor the psychological damage some people experience as they ‘live in fear’ of another theft.
The problem
is large, and getting larger, and it has spawned a multi $billion industry
worldwide to try to prevent such acts. Many homes are now equipped with alarms
and serious locks and bolts. A growing number now also have cameras and so
forth.
That we
should now all have to live inside our own small fortresses is testimony to the
damage the bureaucrats have done to our countries. I fear if the economic
situation deteriorates things will get increasingly worse on this front.
What can be
done about it?
Well, for a
start everyone has to realize that it does not have to be this way.
I have been
in countries where there were hardly any thieves at all. It just wasn’t in the
mindset of people to take other people’s personal belongings. I remember a
friend of mine on holiday there a few years ago making a phone call from a
public payphone on the street and using his Amex credit card to pay for it. A
couple of days later he noticed that credit card was missing. Retracing his
travels in his mind he remembered that the last time he had used it was at the
public payphone. He was going to report the loss of the card to the credit card
company, but before he did so he thought he’d better check for himself. He went
back to the payphone and there was his credit card, untouched, just where he
had left it two days ago!
Now I live
in a country where thieves are everywhere. You could hardly get your credit
card and wallet back into your pocket without someone’s hand in there first
waiting to steal it!
The
difference is down to two things, instilling a good moral attitude within the
population and combining that with a zero-tolerance approach to anyone who
steps out of line.
On a
personal level you can take all the precautions you feel are necessary. But you
also need get involved too. Complain to the bureaucrats and the politicians and
do it regularly. Make their lives a misery for a while, they’ve been trying to
do it to us for a long time, and get together with similar minded people and
groups in your area and even on the social web. Whatever else you do, don’t sit
back and accept it!
Okay, rant
over. I don’t want people who read this to run and hide under the bed. That is
both unnecessary and would be an admission that the bad people have won – and
we can’t allow that. And anyway console yourselves in the knowledge that the
thieves aren’t always that smart.
For
example, this…..
Would-be
burglars Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller hatched a flawless plan to break into
an apartment in Caroll, Iowa. They also came up with the idea of drawing masks
on their faces instead of buying masks. Money must have been tight!
However,
the masterplan had one tiny flaw. These master criminals decided to draw on
their 'disguises' using a permanent marker pen.
Police
stopped their car after a witness reported two men 'with painted faces' were trying to break into the apartment. The
caller added that the pair were wearing dark, hooded tops and had driven off in
a big white car.
Police soon
spotted a 1994 Buick Roadmaster matching the description and stopped it at
gunpoint.
Inside they
found the two men, both of whom had what appeared to be masks, beards or
moustaches scrawled on to their faces.
McNelly,
23, and Miller, 20, were both charged with attempted second-degree burglary and
released on bail. McNelly was also charged with drunk driving.
One thing that you are sure of these days if you are on business is being asked stupid questions. Unfortunately, rather than saying exactly what you think, you have to bite you lip or maybe as in this case give a tongue-in-cheek answer.
This stupid question is in the form of an email from a guy who has bomb shelters on his mind. I don’t know whether he has been inspired by the Myan calendar ending on December 21st this year, the threat of a large asteroid hurtling towards our planet, or the outbreak of World War 3, but he’s definitely worried about the end of the world and thinking about how best to prepare.
It’s also a good example of how stupid people ALWAYS over complicate everything, and that is particularly true of bureaucrats who needlessly over complicate our lives with regulations and then employ other knuckleheads to enforce them.
Here it is. Enjoy.
Query:
“Some people who believe the world will end soon are building (or having them built) enormous underground shelters that rival traditional homes in cost and amenities.
I’m looking for insurers to discuss insurance for these elaborate shelters.
What’s insurable? What’s not? What if the shelter is adjacent to your home or at a separate location? Etc, etc.”
Reply:
Dear Mr XXXXX
I’ve been in mortgages and finance for over 20 years, and have fought with insurance companies on a regular basis over things like “it’s on the top of a hill, it doesn’t need flood insurance” and “it’s made of steel and has a steel roof, the fire risk is about zero” and so forth.
First, if the world DOES end (right) it will be considered and “act of god” and the insurance company won’t pay off, assuming they survive the end of the world in the first place. (Betcha you didn’t know insurance companies believe in God.)
Second, it is a pretty sad bomb shelter that needs to be insured against ANYTHING – I mean this thing is supposed to take a direct hit by a nuclear weapon without so much as rattling the silverware inside, so what else would you POSSIBLY need to insure it against? Termites?
Third, insurance companies have a very difficult time rating unconventional structures. While they could rate the masonry construction part, an underground bomb shelter isn’t going to have hurricane clips on the roof trusses (rate goes up), isn’t going to have hurricane shutters for the windows (rate goes up) and likely has a flat (instead of gable) roof (rate goes up). The fact that the flat roof is made of six foot thick steel reinforced concrete isn’t important, the only thing that is important to them is that it is flat.
If the structure is financed, the lender is going to insist on insurance. Evidently the banks also do not expect to let a minor, trivial event like the end of the world interfere with their lending policies and business practices. If the world does end, they fully expect to be the loss payee, notwithstanding.
If it is adjacent to the owner’s home it becomes an accessory structure. If it is in another location, it would be considered a vacant second home (because renting it out sort of defeats the purpose), and insurance companies consider that very risky, and rate accordingly.
The “fire” portion of the policy is based on the distance from the nearest fire hydrant or fire station. The absolute and total lack of flammability of the bomb shelter isn’t as important as the distance.
Personally, I’d just build it, and leave the banks and insurance companies completely out of it.
They’re not going to be any help.
Yours Faithfully,
XXXXX XXXXXX
Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.
