“Fight Against Stupidity And
Bureaucracy”
I don’t
think it would be exaggerating to say that at some time in our lives we have
bought something that we were not happy with. Maybe it’s happened more than
once, it certainly has to me. However, unless the problem is very bad or the product very expensive we seldom
if ever complain – although we should.
Thankfully
some people are not so backward when it comes to coming forward.
Take this
lady for example.
Here is an
actual letter she wrote to one of the top executives at Proctor & Gamble. It’s
probably one more for the ladies than the gents, buy hey guys we’ve all been
sent to the supermarket (and been afraid to say, “No”!).
Enjoy.
An Open Letter
To Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor & Gamble.
Dear Mr.
Thatcher,
I have been
a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many
of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-WeaveTM absorbency,
I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly
steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my
favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you
ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"?
I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my "time of the
month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand
manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of
research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from
Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping
we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
In fact,
only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir,
you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in capri pants.
Which
brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month,
while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and
yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have
a Happy Period."
Are you
fucking kidding me?
What I mean
is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness actual
smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting
rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the
love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like "Put Down
the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please
inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an
$8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for
one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's
a promise I will keep.
Always.
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