“Fight
Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
I’m staying on yesterday’s medical theme.
When I was thinking about things medical I remembered an episode in a now
defunct hospital where a friend of a friend of mine was being treated.
This bloke had broken his left leg, just below the knee, while playing
football. It wasn’t a bad break, more of a crack really, but he was rushed to
the emergency room where he was diagnosed and then x-rayed and then sent for
prepping for the operating theatre where they would make sure everything was
aligned properly and put on a plaster cast.
Some men have no hair on their legs and some men have a lot. This fellow
was one of the latter and it was essential that his leg was shaved before the
operation and certainly before the plaster cast was added.
Unfortunately that day the nurse responsible for the prepping and shaving
must have been having an off-day - either that or she was as dumb as razor she
was using.
I told you he’d broken his left leg and naturally the nurse started to
shave his left leg. He was lying on his back at the time. That went well. The
she and another nurse managed to get him turned over on to his stomach to
complete the procedure. And she did, only this time she shaved the back of his
right leg!
So there he was, lying on a trolley, ready for the operating theatre,
with not a hair on the front of his left leg and not a hair on the back of his
right leg.
They eventually got it sorted out after much hilarity, all of which
completely bypassed the poor patient who ended up with two bald legs, one of
them in plaster.
That’s what can happen in practice. Mistakes can also happen when medical
charts are being written up some examples of which can be found in the
selection below.
I think the late George Carlin put it best when he said that half the
doctors and nurses out there practicing medicine were in the bottom half of
their classes when studying for their qualifications.
Sometimes it shows.
Enjoy.
"Surgery
will be performed under General Anastasia."
(Will it be on the privates perhaps?)
"Since she
can't conceive I've sent her to a futility expert."
(What’s the use of that?)
"I saw
your patient yesterday, who's still under our car for physical therapy."
(Are his motor skills improving?)
"There was
some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply
for pubic assistance."
(Sounds a bit hairy to me.)
"After her
last child she had her tubs tied."
(That’ll cure it alright!)
"Infection
resulted after she pimped a few popples"
(Petra Piper, eh?)
"Social
history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is
presently unemployed."
(Layabout!)
"Patient
called and left word that he had expired last week."
(What a dead loss.)
"When she
fainted her eyes rolled around the room."
"While she
was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home."
(The slut!)
"This
chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model."
(Mr & Mrs Arbuckle’s offspring no doubt.)
"I keep
reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay
her bill."
(It’s called CML
- convenient memory loss.)
"Patient
is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks."
(Now there’s the first sensible medical advice I’ve
heard.)
"She got
my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her
sweets."
(The see food diet possibly.)
"He's
rather sedentary and drives a bust all day."
(Perhaps he should nipple long to another hospital?)
"Bleeding
began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
(Bloody bum!)
"I've
asked him to call and let me know who he's feeling this week."
(You gotta get your kicks some way.)
"Patient
came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection."
(Like I said, you gotta get your kicks some way!!)
"Rectal
exam reveals normal-size thyroid."
(Oh, man, that must have hurt!)
"His
prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid."
(Was his head splitting?)
"Following
the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery."
(Always safer to check first.)
"Exam of
genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized."
(I bet he framed that chart.)
“She has no rigors or shaking
chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
(What are
they complaining about then?)
“Patient has chest pain if she lies
on her left side for over a year.”
(And a bit
of numbness too I would imagine)
“On the second day the knee was
better, and on the third day it disappeared.”
(Magic can
cure anything)
“The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
(Doesn’t
she need further expensive tests just to be sure?)
“The patient has been depressed
since she began seeing me in 1993.”
(How much
do you charge per hour?)
“Discharge status: Alive but without
my permission.”
(I think
this Dr has a bit of a God complex)
“Healthy appearing decrepit
69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”
(What did
you say?)
“The patient refused autopsy.”
(It’s
alive, it’s alive!!!)
“The patient has no previous history
of suicides.”
(You
figured that all out by yourself then?)
“Patient has left white blood cells
at another hospital.”
(Some
people are so careless)
“Patient's medical history has been
unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.”
(On
hospital food? I don’t think so!)
“Patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.”
(But was it
organic?)
“Between you and me, we ought to be
able to get this lady pregnant.”
(Now you’re
talking!)
“Since she can't get pregnant with
her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.”
(My
pleasure)
“She is
numb from her toes down.”
(Not much
hope there then)
“The skin was moist and dry.”
(That was a
pore diagnosis)
“Occasional, constant infrequent
headaches.”
(Yes, but
when?)
“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”
(Marriage
will do that to you)
“She stated that she had been
constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”
(There’s
nothing like a good riddance)
“Both breasts are equal and reactive
to light and accommodation.”
(How long
was it before you moved in?)
“The lab test indicated abnormal
lover function.”
(Pervert!)
“The patient was to have a bowel
resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”
(Anal
retentive to a man)
“Skin: somewhat pale but present.”
(Sound like
a job for Dr Dermott Ologist)
“The pelvic exam will be done later
on the floor.”
(Get down
baby!)
“Patient was seen in consultation by
Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.”
(Is there a
shortage of chairs?)
“Large brown stool ambulating in the
hall.”
(Politician
visiting someone perchance?)
“Patient has two teenage children,
but no other abnormalities.”
(That’s
more than enough to have to suffer)
No comments:
Post a Comment