Beware, Idiots At Work!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This is a short selection of stories taken from the internet. I have no idea whether they are true or not, but they are amusing, and as we know, stranger things have happened.

Enjoy.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

- - - - - - - - - -

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

- - - - - - - - - -

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

- - - - - - - - - -

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

- - - - - - - - - -

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

- - - - - - - - - -

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

- - - - - - - - - -

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'

Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the- headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

- - - - - - - - - -

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

- - - - - - - - - -

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

- - - - - - - - - -

And finally!!

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii .

I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"

I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge".

He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

==================

A Very Strange Case Of Mistaken Identity

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Throughout history opposing factions, whether in politics, racial campaigns, sports competitions or even wars, have used cartoons as a medium to promote their side and to denigrate the opposition.

Nowhere was this better seen than during WWII when both sides used thousands of derogatory cartoons to depict the 'enemy'.

But one of the most humorous incidents occurred much earlier, during the Napoleonic war between France and England.

It allegedly took place in the little town of Hartlepool on the north-east coast of England.

As part of the propaganda campaign in England during this war the enemy, the French, had been portrayed as short and hairy, sort of monkey-like. The cartoon below will give you the idea.  

Also, during the Napoleonic Wars there was great fear that the French had plans to invade Britain and therefore much public concern about the possibility of French infiltrators and spies.

As a consequence the fishermen of Hartlepool kept a close watch on French vessels sailing near the English coast.

One day, as they watched, a French vessel was seen struggling against a storm. It took a severe battering in the rough seas and eventually sunk.

The Hartlepool fishermen then turned their attention to the wreckage washed ashore.

Among the wreckage lay one wet and sorrowful looking survivor. It was the ship's pet monkey and, to amuse the sailors, it had been dressed in a military style uniform.

Stupid individuals are one thing, annoying but they can be handled. Group stupidity on the other hand is extremely dangerous. The stupidity level seems to increase by at least ten times the number of morons gathered together. I’m sure there’s a mathematical formula for this, there should be.

So, severely intellectually challenged, and thinking they had captured the enemy, the Hartlepool fishermen apparently questioned the monkey and held a beach-based trial.

Unfamiliar with what a Frenchman looked like, and unable to understand what he (the monkey) was saying (presumably “ooh ooh aah”, as opposed to “oh la la”), they came to the conclusion that this poor primate was a French spy.

They quickly sentenced the French spy (monkey) to death and the unfortunate creature was hanged, with the mast of a fishing boat (a coble) providing a convenient gallows.

A very strange case of mistaken identity indeed!

The Silly Name Game, Part Two - Now It’s Political!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

You’d think if you had a daft or embarrassing name the last thing that you would want to do is hang it out in public for everyone to see and ridicule.

But as was noted yesterday people just do not seem to find anything wrong with their own surnames, no matter how funny, absurd or otherwise they appear to the rest of us.

Hence people stand for public office quite oblivious to their odd names.

Does it help or hinder them to get elected? Perhaps sometimes it does, after all some of the names would certainly tend to stick a voter’s mind. Perhaps sometimes it doesn’t, if they are stupid enough not to notice their own names, how fit are they for public office in the first place.

Who knows?

Who cares?

At least they’ve given us some entertainment even if they didn’t mean to.

Enjoy!!!

Courting Disasters

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

No, not the romantic kind of courting disasters, not this time anyhow. Today it’s another selection from the courts.

You may forgive the witness and jury member responses (although some of them are really dumb), but it is hard to believe when you read some of this that these lawyers have had the benefit of an expensive education.

Money and time wasted?

Judge for yourselves.

Enjoy.

But first a joke….

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying in court.

The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was
exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Defendant: I remember when I was in your courtroom in 1956 when you was a municipal judge

Counsel: I don’t think we should go into that

Defendant: Not guilty, too

Counsel: Well, we all make mistakes, sir, but you didn’t make one

Defendant: Well you made one, I was guilty

District Attorney: Okay. How much earlier had you used cocaine?

Defendant: I was getting high all that day

District Attorney: All right. So you were using cocaine. Were you free-basing cocaine?

Defendant: No I bought it.

Counsel: Okay. Now let me ask you again, had you been drinking that day? Alcohol, I mean?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Had you?

Defendant’s Counsel  Answer it audibly

Counsel: Had you been drinking alcohol that day?

Defendant: Audibly

Counsel: What were you drinking, beer or what?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Beer?

Defendant: Audibly

District Attorney: Judge, I would object to Counsel’s characterization of this disagreement. He is giving a one-sided view.

Judge:  Of course he is. That is what you expect of a trial attorney

Judge:  Please begin

Counsel: Thank you

Q. (to witness) Miss, while you have, if you do have – you still- oh, you don’t.

Judge: That was a great start, counsel

Judge:  Are all of the defendants black?

Counsel #1:  My client is white

Counsel #2:  My client is described in the police report as mulatto

Judge: How do you describe her?

Counsel #2:  Pregnant

Counsel:  Your Honor, the defense would argue the People haven’t proved the prior conviction.

District Attorney: Oh shit!

Counsel:  That’s a legal term?

Judge:  One used quite often in law school

District Attorney: Did the defendant make any other statements to you at that time?

Witness: He told me he had the best lawyer in Los Angeles and that I didn’t have a case

Counsel: I’ll stipulate to that, Your Honor

Q: What about the research?

A:  I don’t think there is any research on that. There’s a logical hunch that may be true, but I know of no research study that would support that at this point in time.

Q: What about just common sense?

A: Well I am not here using common sense. I am here as an expert.

Q: How long would it take for a sphincter spasm to heal, Doctor?

A: Sphincter spasm is not a disease process. I mean, as you stand there, you can have a sphincter spasm if you wanted to.

Q: I could have a sphincter spasm right now if I wanted to?

A: Just tighten your sphincter and that is your sphincter spasm. Try it.

Q: Can you have one right now, Doctor?

A: Yeah, I think we all can

Q: Deputy, showing your photographs numbers 3 and 4, can you identify those?

A: Those were photographs taken at our sheriff’s headquarters.

Q: Do you recognize the individuals in the photographs?

A: Yes, sir

Q: And, in Exhibit No. 3, do you recognize that subject?

A: Yes sir

Q: How do you recognize him?

A: There’s a name card in front of him.

Court breaks into laughter

Judge: Oh, I love that. We don’t get paid much, but we do have a good time.

Q: Officer have you ever cut yourself?

A: Yes sir

Q: When you cut yourself did anything come out?

A: Yes sir

Q: What color was that?

Counsel:  I objet Your Honor as irrelevant

Judge: Overruled

A: It was red

Q: Did that red substance that came out appear to be similar to the red substance you saw at the scene?

A: Yes sir

Q: Does that red substance have a name?

A: Yes Sir, it does

Q: What is it called?

A: Blood

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Made it Ma! Top Of The World! - Not Nowadays, Pal, Not Without A Permit!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

The first part of the heading of this blog post is the famous last line from the 1949 gangster movie “White Heat”, starring the late James Cagney. If you are a film buff you may have heard of it. 

And if you have read much of this blog you will know already that the bureaucrats who try to curtail our freedom and the morons they employ to help them are everywhere.

What you maybe didn’t realize is that everywhere means EVERYWHERE.

And everywhere includes Mount Everest! If climbing it is on your bucket list, then get a pen and put a line through it unless you have a pile of cash and are prepared to jump through a lot  bureaucratic hoops.

First off you will need all your paperwork in order. You will have to tackle the Nepal Ministry and Administration and various people wanting their slice of the pie.

You'll need

• a local Trekking Agency to file for a permit 6 months prior to the expedition;
• a copy of your passport;
• passport pictures;
• a letter of recommendation from your local Alpine Association/Climbing club.

And that's even before your get there.

Once in Kathmandu, you will

• file additional papers;
• have a half-hour briefing with the minister or his associates about climbing sensibly and to care for the environment:
• then another briefing;
• more papers to fill out; 
• an environment security of around $4,000 returned when the expedition has brought back the trash and empty oxygen bottles;
• and pay a Liaison Officer who will spend some time in your camp;
• a film permit if you are doing a commercial film, shooting private video is free.

Then you will need to stump up a hefty fee for a permit which will set you back a minimum of $25,000 to over $70,000 depending on various factors. And that's not including other substantial costs such as your climbing gear and tour guides.

Remarkably, despite the bureaucracy, the heavy fees, and the physical risks involved in the venture, there is a long, long queue of morons  -  sorry make that mountaineers  -  eager to make the climb.

And woe betide you if you try to circumvent the bureaucrats.

A young Chinese climber tried that a few weeks ago. He had made it 25,500 feet up the mountain's North Col route to within a few thousand feet of reaching the summit when he was spotted camping alone, away from other expeditions. 

The people who spotted him were a contingent from the Tibet Mountaineering Guide School. These would-be bureaucracy enforcers challenged him and, when he could not produce a permit, physically assaulted him and removed him from the trail.

Someone who witnessed the spectacle wrote in an email:

"I did see the permitless chap being ushered down the hill.  The Tibetan rope fixers were sent up to get him. I saw them bringing him down the ropes from the North Col to [advanced base camp]. It was disgraceful. They literally kicked him down the ropes. It was a disgusting example of a pack of bullies egging each other on and literally beating him down the hill. It was absolutely unnecessary as he was offering no resistance and was scared out of his mind.  The Tibetans should, and could, have just escorted him down the hill and let the authorities deal with him."

So be warned, not just about Everest, which I don’t think many of us want to tackle, but about the dangers of allowing the bureaucrats and their enforcers to run roughshod over ordinary citizens.

There are other hazards with trying to climb Everest too, as the rather eccentric British actor Brian Blessed found out when he was part of an expedition to climb the mountain some years ago.

I’ll leave the final word with him.

Enjoy.

Never Hitch Your Wagon To Another Man’s Horse

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Strangely this blog post is neither about wagons nor horses, but I thought the title was catchy. It is related though, I haven’t reached the stage yet where I have to deceive people into reading my blog.


This post is about Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station, Jacksonville, Florida who decided to repair some damaged shingles on the roof of his house himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him.


Ever conscious about the dangers of working at heights and on sloping shingles in particular, Chief Petty Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the trailer hitch of his truck prior to climbing up on his steep roof. Then, once he had climbed up to the peak of his roof he secured the other end of the line around his waist and slid over the top of the roof to repair the shingles.


So far so good. 


He started his repairs.


As luck would have it, bad luck that is, shortly after he started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout trip. Mr Styles’ wife, Jane, took the call and went straight out of the house, got into the truck and yelled to her husband that she’d be back right away.


"I didn't see the rope," Mrs. Styles said later, "until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street."


Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbor, said, "I'll never forget the look on Roman's face as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."


After realizing what had happened, but not before she had dragged her poor husband quite a ways down the street, Mrs Styles summoned emergency help.


Mr Styles’ bad luck was compensated by the good luck that he only had to be treated for a slight concussion and a few scrapes and bruises. 

Medical Bloopers From Actual Patients Medical Charts

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I’m staying on yesterday’s medical theme.

When I was thinking about things medical I remembered an episode in a now defunct hospital where a friend of a friend of mine was being treated.

This bloke had broken his left leg, just below the knee, while playing football. It wasn’t a bad break, more of a crack really, but he was rushed to the emergency room where he was diagnosed and then x-rayed and then sent for prepping for the operating theatre where they would make sure everything was aligned properly and put on a plaster cast.

Some men have no hair on their legs and some men have a lot. This fellow was one of the latter and it was essential that his leg was shaved before the operation and certainly before the plaster cast was added.

Unfortunately that day the nurse responsible for the prepping and shaving must have been having an off-day  -  either that or she was as dumb as razor she was using.

I told you he’d broken his left leg and naturally the nurse started to shave his left leg. He was lying on his back at the time. That went well. The she and another nurse managed to get him turned over on to his stomach to complete the procedure. And she did, only this time she shaved the back of his right leg!

So there he was, lying on a trolley, ready for the operating theatre, with not a hair on the front of his left leg and not a hair on the back of his right leg.

They eventually got it sorted out after much hilarity, all of which completely bypassed the poor patient who ended up with two bald legs, one of them in plaster. 

That’s what can happen in practice. Mistakes can also happen when medical charts are being written up some examples of which can be found in the selection below.

I think the late George Carlin put it best when he said that half the doctors and nurses out there practicing medicine were in the bottom half of their classes when studying for their qualifications.

Sometimes it shows.

Enjoy.

"Surgery will be performed under General Anastasia."

(Will it be on the privates perhaps?)

"Since she can't conceive I've sent her to a futility expert."

(What’s the use of that?)

"I saw your patient yesterday, who's still under our car for physical therapy."

(Are his motor skills improving?)

"There was some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply for pubic assistance."

(Sounds a bit hairy to me.)

"After her last child she had her tubs tied."

(That’ll cure it alright!)

"Infection resulted after she pimped a few popples"

(Petra Piper, eh?)

"Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed."

(Layabout!)

"Patient called and left word that he had expired last week."

(What a dead loss.)

"When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room."

"While she was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home."

(The slut!)

"This chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model."

(Mr & Mrs Arbuckle’s offspring no doubt.)

"I keep reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay her bill."

(It’s called CML  -  convenient memory loss.)

"Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks."

(Now there’s the first sensible medical advice I’ve heard.)

"She got my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her sweets."

(The see food diet possibly.)

"He's rather sedentary and drives a bust all day."

(Perhaps he should nipple long to another hospital?)

"Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

(Bloody bum!)

"I've asked him to call and let me know who he's feeling this week."

(You gotta get your kicks some way.)

"Patient came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection."

(Like I said, you gotta get your kicks some way!!)

"Rectal exam reveals normal-size thyroid." 

(Oh, man, that must have hurt!)

"His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid."

(Was his head splitting?)

"Following the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery."

(Always safer to check first.)

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized."

(I bet he framed that chart.)

“She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”

(What are they complaining about then?)

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

(And a bit of numbness too I would imagine)

“On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.”

(Magic can cure anything)

“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”

(Doesn’t she need further expensive tests just to be sure?)

“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”

(How much do you charge per hour?)

“Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.”

(I think this Dr has a bit of a God complex)

“Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

(What did you say?)

“The patient refused autopsy.”

(It’s alive, it’s alive!!!)

“The patient has no previous history of suicides.”

(You figured that all out by yourself then?)

“Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.”

(Some people are so careless)

“Patient's medical history has been unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.”

(On hospital food? I don’t think so!)

“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

(But was it organic?)

“Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.”

(Now you’re talking!)

“Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.”

(My pleasure)

“She is numb from her toes down.”

(Not much hope there then)

“The skin was moist and dry.”

(That was a pore diagnosis)

“Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.”

(Yes, but when?)

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

(Marriage will do that to you)

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

(There’s nothing like a good riddance)

“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”

(How long was it before you moved in?)

“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”

(Pervert!)

“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

(Anal retentive to a man)

“Skin: somewhat pale but present.”

(Sound like a job for Dr Dermott Ologist)

“The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.”

(Get down baby!)

“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.”

(Is there a shortage of chairs?)

“Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.”

(Politician visiting someone perchance?)

“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”

(That’s more than enough to have to suffer)