Beware, Idiots At Work!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This is a short selection of stories taken from the internet. I have no idea whether they are true or not, but they are amusing, and as we know, stranger things have happened.

Enjoy.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

- - - - - - - - - -

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

- - - - - - - - - -

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

- - - - - - - - - -

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

- - - - - - - - - -

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

- - - - - - - - - -

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

- - - - - - - - - -

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'

Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the- headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

- - - - - - - - - -

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

- - - - - - - - - -

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

- - - - - - - - - -

And finally!!

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii .

I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"

I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge".

He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

==================

The Silly Name Game, Part Two - Now It’s Political!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

You’d think if you had a daft or embarrassing name the last thing that you would want to do is hang it out in public for everyone to see and ridicule.

But as was noted yesterday people just do not seem to find anything wrong with their own surnames, no matter how funny, absurd or otherwise they appear to the rest of us.

Hence people stand for public office quite oblivious to their odd names.

Does it help or hinder them to get elected? Perhaps sometimes it does, after all some of the names would certainly tend to stick a voter’s mind. Perhaps sometimes it doesn’t, if they are stupid enough not to notice their own names, how fit are they for public office in the first place.

Who knows?

Who cares?

At least they’ve given us some entertainment even if they didn’t mean to.

Enjoy!!!

Funny Factoid Friday Again, And Another Eighteen Universal Truths

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This funny factoid Friday I have a few more Universal Truths. As before, that does not mean that every one of them applies to everyone, but weirdly most of them do.

And if you are wondering after you read this, the answer is yes, I have put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint (you’ll see what I mean later!). Oh dear :o(

Enjoy!

1) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

2) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

3) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

4) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

5) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

6) You never ever run out of salt.

7) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

8) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

9) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

10) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

11) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

12) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

13) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

14) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint.

15) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal his or her nose.

16) Bricks are horrible to carry.

17) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

18) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

=============================

Courting Disasters

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

No, not the romantic kind of courting disasters, not this time anyhow. Today it’s another selection from the courts.

You may forgive the witness and jury member responses (although some of them are really dumb), but it is hard to believe when you read some of this that these lawyers have had the benefit of an expensive education.

Money and time wasted?

Judge for yourselves.

Enjoy.

But first a joke….

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying in court.

The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was
exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Defendant: I remember when I was in your courtroom in 1956 when you was a municipal judge

Counsel: I don’t think we should go into that

Defendant: Not guilty, too

Counsel: Well, we all make mistakes, sir, but you didn’t make one

Defendant: Well you made one, I was guilty

District Attorney: Okay. How much earlier had you used cocaine?

Defendant: I was getting high all that day

District Attorney: All right. So you were using cocaine. Were you free-basing cocaine?

Defendant: No I bought it.

Counsel: Okay. Now let me ask you again, had you been drinking that day? Alcohol, I mean?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Had you?

Defendant’s Counsel  Answer it audibly

Counsel: Had you been drinking alcohol that day?

Defendant: Audibly

Counsel: What were you drinking, beer or what?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Beer?

Defendant: Audibly

District Attorney: Judge, I would object to Counsel’s characterization of this disagreement. He is giving a one-sided view.

Judge:  Of course he is. That is what you expect of a trial attorney

Judge:  Please begin

Counsel: Thank you

Q. (to witness) Miss, while you have, if you do have – you still- oh, you don’t.

Judge: That was a great start, counsel

Judge:  Are all of the defendants black?

Counsel #1:  My client is white

Counsel #2:  My client is described in the police report as mulatto

Judge: How do you describe her?

Counsel #2:  Pregnant

Counsel:  Your Honor, the defense would argue the People haven’t proved the prior conviction.

District Attorney: Oh shit!

Counsel:  That’s a legal term?

Judge:  One used quite often in law school

District Attorney: Did the defendant make any other statements to you at that time?

Witness: He told me he had the best lawyer in Los Angeles and that I didn’t have a case

Counsel: I’ll stipulate to that, Your Honor

Q: What about the research?

A:  I don’t think there is any research on that. There’s a logical hunch that may be true, but I know of no research study that would support that at this point in time.

Q: What about just common sense?

A: Well I am not here using common sense. I am here as an expert.

Q: How long would it take for a sphincter spasm to heal, Doctor?

A: Sphincter spasm is not a disease process. I mean, as you stand there, you can have a sphincter spasm if you wanted to.

Q: I could have a sphincter spasm right now if I wanted to?

A: Just tighten your sphincter and that is your sphincter spasm. Try it.

Q: Can you have one right now, Doctor?

A: Yeah, I think we all can

Q: Deputy, showing your photographs numbers 3 and 4, can you identify those?

A: Those were photographs taken at our sheriff’s headquarters.

Q: Do you recognize the individuals in the photographs?

A: Yes, sir

Q: And, in Exhibit No. 3, do you recognize that subject?

A: Yes sir

Q: How do you recognize him?

A: There’s a name card in front of him.

Court breaks into laughter

Judge: Oh, I love that. We don’t get paid much, but we do have a good time.

Q: Officer have you ever cut yourself?

A: Yes sir

Q: When you cut yourself did anything come out?

A: Yes sir

Q: What color was that?

Counsel:  I objet Your Honor as irrelevant

Judge: Overruled

A: It was red

Q: Did that red substance that came out appear to be similar to the red substance you saw at the scene?

A: Yes sir

Q: Does that red substance have a name?

A: Yes Sir, it does

Q: What is it called?

A: Blood

=========================

It’s Another Funny Factoid Friday, Here Are Eighteen Universal Truths

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s another Friday and time for a few more of what I call factoids, although this list is entitled Universal Truths.

That does not mean that every one of them applies to everyone, but from personal experience I can vouch for the accuracy of quite a lot of them.

Enjoy!



1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.



3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.



4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.



5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.



6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.



7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.




8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.



10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.



11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.



12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.



13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.



14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.



15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.



16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.



17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.



18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.


=============================

Do You Know…. Yes, It’s Another Flipping Fun Filled Factoid Friday!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s Friday again and what better day to indulge in a little more factoid fun. Start your weekend off full of useless knowledge that you can impress and bore your friends with.

Enjoy!

Do you know….

That 80 percent of Harvard students graduate with honors

That the chances that a burglary in the US will be solved are 1 in 7

That the government owns one third of all the land in the US

That they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.  Why?

That James Buchanan was the only US President to remain a bachelor

That the only first lady to carry a loaded revolver was Eleanor Roosevelt

That the only US President to win a Pulitzer was John F. Kennedy, for "Profiles in Courage"

That the only US President to be awarded a patent was Abraham Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

That the US President who discovered a new proof for The Pythagorean Theorem was Jimmy Carter  (I think is was hidden under the oval office carpet)

That cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there, duh?

What happens if you are in a vehicle going the speed of light and you turn on the headlights?

That honey is the only food that does not spoil

That a Hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards

That Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes

Why is the word “lisp” spelled with all the letters that people with that affliction cannot pronounce?

That a pig is the only animal besides human that can get sunburn

That ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water

That an eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it

That in the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees

That for some strange reason Americans drive on parkways and park on driveways.

That polar bears are left-handed

Why is “dyslexic” such a difficult word to spell?

That when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio

That Eskimos never gamble  -  I bet you didn’t know that.

That the world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910

That the youngest pope was 11 years old

That Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school

That proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses

That when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo

That Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner

What would happen if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height?

That your nose and ears never stop growing

Why isn't “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

That Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined  -  Uranus!  -  No, Jupiter.

That they have square watermelons in Japan ... they stack better

That Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation

Why your nose runs and your feet smell?

====================

Two Dozen Signs That You've Grown Up For Good

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Growing up can be both good and bad.

There is a lot to be said for the innocence of our younger days when school was the worst of our worries and all the other stuff was taken care of by someone else.

We lived in apartments or houses that were just there. We weren’t concerned how it was that we lived there, or that we had shelter, or a bed to sleep in.

We turned up at the breakfast or dinner table and ate the food that arrived. Never a thought was given as to where it came from or who paid for it.

Even in our teenage years most of us still live a relatively carefree life, only traumatized by trivialities like spotty faces or having to wear glasses.

And then one day it all changed. We were grown up. We had responsibilities of our own. And we had different attitudes to the things around us and a much deeper appreciation of how they got there.

That’s not to say that we lost ALL our childish ways. The lucky ones retained their sense of fun. 

But in case you are wondering if you are now grown up for good here are two dozen signs to help you decide.

Enjoy.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#*** kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"