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Inflate Your Tires By All Means, But Then Hide Your Bicycle Pump Where It Cannot Tempt You.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Yesterday’s post was about how a few idiots had met their demise, or failed to, when they attempted to kill themselves. Today the theme is continued with another curious case, but one of the accidental variety.

I must say this was a new one to me. Just when you think you’ve heard of everything something new and unexpected turns up. This time it turned up in Thailand.

“The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."

He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.

"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."

It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still.

He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station.

They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot (of the machine, I think).

As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock.

One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.

"We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."

"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

A Lot Of Idiots Kill Themselves….But….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

A lot of idiots kill themselves accidently. I’ve highlighted a few examples on this blog of people whose stupidity led to their demise.

But some do it on purpose.

If they are really dumb, however, they don’t quite manage to do it the way they had planned.

Here are some examples.

1. Objective Attained – Method Unexpected

Frenchman Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide.

He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck.

He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock.

He then drank some poison.

Then he set fire to his clothes.

He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.

The plan seemed foolproof. Alas it was not.

As he jumped he fired the pistol.

However, the bullet missed him completely and instead cut through the rope above him.

Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.

The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.

He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he subsequently died of hypothermia.

There must have been an easier way.

2. Strike another one Elvita!

One Sunday while on a visit to the Empire State Building in New York City, Elvita Adams clambered over an 8 foot high iron fence surrounding the observation deck at about 8.25pm.

She jumped off the building and plummeted earthwards.

But only for a few feet.

A strong gust of wind, possibly as high as 30mph, pushed her back towards the building and she landed on a balcony on the 85th floor, with nothing more than a broken leg.

Asked why she had wanted to commit suicide she said it was because she had been a failure at everything she tried.

Strike another one Elvita!

3. She Fell For Him Big Time

Back in France again, suicides in the Eiffel Tower are apparently quite common. In fact France has one of the highest suicide rates at 17.5 suicides per 1000 people!

Killing yourself with the 1,063 foot “Iron Lady” is the third most popular French suicide method behind poisoning and hanging (both of which the guy in the first incident tried unsuccessfully).

A few times, people have attempted to kill themselves but failed to do so. One man was blown onto a rafter by the wind and he was spared. But the most curious case was one in which a woman who jumped, landed on the roof of a car and later married the man who owned it!

Boy did she fall for him!!!

4. Taxi!

In Buenos Aires, Argentina, a woman threw herself off the 23^rd floor balcony of the Hotel Crown Plaza Panamericano in an apparent suicide bid. However her attempt failed when a taxi caught in traffic below cushioned her fall.

Although the impact of her landing on the car shattered its windscreen and made a huge dent in its roof, the impact was not hard enough to end her life.

Instead, the 30-year-old woman was left with broken hips, ribs and significant internal bleeding.

The driver of the taxi, Miguel Cajal, told a local TV station that he noticed policemen stopping traffic and were looking upward. This made him instinctively jump out of his car.

“I got out of the car a second before. If I had not got out, I would have been killed,” the BBC quoted him as saying. The impact, he added, “made a terrible noise.”

Hurrah! It’s Another Meet More Morons Monday!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Yes, Monday has rolled round again. And that means it’s time to meet more morons from the quiz show answers archive.

As always, a warning to those of a nervous disposition – this post contains some extreme stupidity, so handle with care.

Enjoy!

Q: Like "sugar bowl", a bowl that's named for the substance it contains   

A: Toilet bowl

Q: Name something your body has that begins with the letter "L"

A: Lice 

Q: Name something that makes you feel uneasy all day long if you forget to do it in the morning

A: Get dressed 

Q: Name a vegetable you stuff 

A: Brussels sprouts

A: Watermelon 

Q: Name a kind of place where it's smart to know where the exits are      

A: Church         

Q: Name something a man might buy his girlfriend a pair of       

A: Boobs

Q: Name an expensive holiday, besides Christmas        

A: Wedding      

Q: What is a slang name for policeman?

A: Dick

Q: What is something that you have to do to get your husband's attention during the Super Bowl?          

A: Take off your clothes

Q: What is the longest you've ever been on the telephone?

A: Alaska         

Q: Name a real or fictional, a famous Willie        

A: Willie-the-Pooh         

Q: Name a beverage you stir before drinking     

A: Water          

Q: Name a food that makes noise when you eat it          

A: A really loud hamburger         

Q: Name something a duck and a chicken have in common        

A: They quack  

Q: Name another word for sleep

A: Sleeping

A: A coma

Q: What is a slang word for "wife"?       

A: Bitch           

Q: Name something that is transplanted

A: Brain

Q: Name a noisy bird    

A: Chipmunk    

Q: Name something you would cheat on if you knew you wouldn't get caught     

A: Family Feud 

Q: Name a street name that is common to cities all over the US  

A: Hollywood Boulevard 

Q: Name something you tune    

A: Fish 

Q: What shouldn't you do in someone else's car?          

A: Pass gas

A: Get arrested

Q: Name a game played on a table besides cards         

A: Poker          

Q: Name something you rent for a party

A: Food

Q: Name a party game that would be more fun to play in the nude          

A: Monopoly

A: Chess          

Q: Name a vegetable you marinate        

A: Grapes        

Q: Name something you'd hate to discover was living in your attic          

A: Furniture      

Q: Name something Russia is famous for          

A: Russians     

Q: Name a farm animal that the farmer may grow so fond of, he might not want to eat it  

A: Dog

Q: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours      

A: Masturbate   

=================================

Beware, Idiots At Work!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This is a short selection of stories taken from the internet. I have no idea whether they are true or not, but they are amusing, and as we know, stranger things have happened.

Enjoy.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

- - - - - - - - - -

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

- - - - - - - - - -

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

- - - - - - - - - -

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

- - - - - - - - - -

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

- - - - - - - - - -

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

- - - - - - - - - -

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'

Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the- headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

- - - - - - - - - -

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

- - - - - - - - - -

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

- - - - - - - - - -

And finally!!

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii .

I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"

I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge".

He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

==================

Did You Know That The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity Have Been Documented?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Unfortunately stupidity seems to have always been with us. There are countless examples of stupid people making monumentally stupid decisions throughout history.

However it was not until 1976 that the definitive essay on the subject was written. The author was an Italian economist named Professor Carlo M Cipolla and he called his pioneering work “The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity”. If fasab had a hall of fame, he’d be in it.

Professor Cipolla taught at several universities in Italy, and for many years at the University of California, Berkeley. He also wrote books and studies about clocks, guns, depressions, faith, reason, monetary policy, and money. In fact I first heard of him at University where some of his books appeared on our reading lists. Sadly his “Basic Laws Of Human Stupidity” was not on our lists, I would have enjoyed it even then!  

His essay about stupidity encompasses all those other topics, and perhaps all of human experience.

Professor Cipolla wrote out the laws in plain language. They are akin to laws of nature – a seemingly basic characteristic of the universe.

Here they are:

1. Always and inevitably, everyone underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.

2. The probability that a certain person be stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.

3. A stupid person is a person who causes losses to another person or to a group of persons, while himself deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses.

4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals. In particular, non-stupid people constantly forget that at all times and places and under any circumstances to deal and/or associate with stupid people always turns out to be a costly mistake.

It has been said that Professor Cipolla's “Basic Laws of Human Stupidity” give an X-ray view of what distinguishes countries on the rise from those that are falling, or failing.

Countries moving uphill have an inevitable percentage of stupid people, yes. But they enjoy "an unusually high fraction of intelligent people" who collectively over compensate for the dumbos.

Declining nations, on the other hand, have instead, an "alarming proliferation" of non-stupid people whose behavior "inevitably strengthens the destructive power" of their persistently stupid fellow citizens. There are two distinct, unhelpful groups: "bandits" who take positions of power which they use for their own gain; and people out of power who sigh through life as if they are helpless.

In 1999 two psychologists at Cornell University wrote a study with the fabulous title, “Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Leads to Inflated Self-Assessments”. Without mentioning any form of the word "stupidity", it serves as an enlightening and dismaying supplement to the basic laws.

Unfortunately Professor Cipolla died in 2000. But thankfully there are others to take up the mantle.

You could be one of them. Like I say almost every day, “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”.

==========================

Sometimes Being Frank Can Lead To Trouble

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

On 1st April 2001, in New York, a literary agent, named Frank, found himself dazed and patting out flames shortly after arriving at a two-alarm house fire equipped with a sandwich, a bullhorn, whiskey and a lawnchair.

The trouble started when Frank climbed on to the roof of a nearby house, perched on his lawnchair, and proceeded to lecture the startled emergency crew while enjoying his drink.

Three firemen had just finished clearing the house, locating the residents' young golden retriever in the process, when they heard Frank's imperious command.

"Drop the dog and open the hydrant this instant!"

They turned in surprise and in fact did drop the unfortunate yelping puppy, which fell through the burning timbers and burst into flames.

Outraged onlookers then mobbed the base of heckler Frank's house and threw cans and shrubbery at the obstreperous critic, who batted the projectiles aside with his bullhorn while continuing to drink whiskey and issue commands, including...

"The north side is engaged!"

"Position the hose along the azalea bushes!"

"Stop picking your nose!"

Sorely provoked, the senior fireman, currently on administrative leave, picked up the dead (but still burning) dog and flung it onto the roof where Frank was barking out his commands.

The flaming animal landed in Frank's lap, igniting his spilled whiskey and severely burning his man-part area.

Frank heaved the dog off himself, but neglected to brace his feet on the slanted roof. He and the lawnchair toppled and fell from the house, miraculously avoiding onlookers, who watched aghast while the prostrate man suffered further injuries from falling embers and his own roof-top accoutrements.

The house fire was eventually subdued, and paramedics transported the injured man and his loudspeaker to the hospital. Although he is recovering from his injuries, the prognosis is that he will never again be able to procreate with quite the same gusto, which is probably a blessing for the rest of humanity.

Neighbors have set up a Memorial Fund for the golden retriever. Apparently photographs of the man-shaped depression in the lawn are available upon request.

Sometimes being frank can lead to trouble!

=========================

Back To Normal This Monday And That Means More Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Yes, it’s time to assess the level of general intelligence of the average contestant on television quiz shows. I suppose as ever this post should come with a severe stupidity warning for those of a nervous disposition.

Here we go.

Enjoy!

Q: Name something a caveman would put on his to-do list         

A: Buy a car

Q: Name a fictional island         

A: Rhode Island

Q: Name a fast food restaurant with somebody's first or last name in the title     

A: Burger King

Q: Name something twins share while growing up          

A: Mother's breast        

Q: Name a man's name beginning with the letter K         

A: Kentucky Fried Chicken        

Q: Name an excuse that a girl gives not to invite you in after a date        

A: Her husband is home

Q: Name a president who served two full terms  

A: Abraham Lincoln

Q: Name a thing or place dogs are known to drink from 

A: A hydrant     

Q: Name an animal with three letters in its name 

A: Frog

A: Alligator       

Q: Name something made of leather that a cowboy uses           

A: Purse          

Q: Name a yellow fruit  

A: Orange        

Q: How often a newlywed couple makes love    

A: Three times a day

Q: Name something you often misplace in your car        

A: Steering wheel          

Q: Name something that works better after it's been broken in    

A: Husband      

Q: Name something everyone knows about Cinderella    

A: She could talk to animals      

Q: Name a way parents reward children 

A: Time out      

Q: Name a sport husbands and wives can play together 

A: Kickball

Q: Name something specific kids leave behind when they move out of the house           

A: Their parents

A: A blender

A: Boyfriend/Girlfriend   

Q: Name something the English are famous for 

A: Driving on the wrong side of the road  

Q: Name something on a chihuahua that's tiny   

A: Its Peter

Q: Name a hobby people take up for the thrills involved 

A: Stamp collecting       

Q: Name something that doesn't work without water       

A: Ice cream cone        

Q: Name something you make out of flowers    

A: Cookies       

Q: Name something people do clothed that others don't

A: Ride a motorcycle     

Q: Name a product that, according to its commercials, will make you more popular         

A: Toilet paper

Q: Besides an airplane, something man-made that flies  

A: A jet

Q: Name a vacation city where you would need a lot of money   

A: Hawaii

A: Europe         

Q: Name something you see along the side of a street   

A: Carnage       

Q: Name something a hostess does to let her guests know it's time to leave       

A: Goes to bed 

Q: Name something of yours that you hit when it's not working properly 

A: Your spouse 

Q: Name one of the seven dwarfs         

A: Snoopy

=================================