On The Oul Timers’ Ward

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”




“I’ll never forget what’s his name,” is something I have a habit of saying. I’ve always had a good memory and recall for most things, particularly numbers, but sometimes I’m terrible with names. I can be trying to hold a sensible conversation with someone, usually someone who I haven’t seen for a long time, and while I know their face perfectly, can I remember the name! It makes for awkward times and sometimes amusing ones as well.


I hope it doesn’t get any worse as I get older! I’d hate to end my days with “oul timers” as we call it in our family, my aunt having been so afflicted for a few years before her passing.


But like all adversities there are the funny sides. 


Here’s a report from an old issue of the Southland Times in New Zealand that I thought was amusing.



The police were called to the Whangarei ward at the Aged Care Centre in Kaikohe, New Zealand, because a fight had broken out.


When they arrived, they could see that the two elderly protagonists had been involved in a mighty punch-up. Both were covered in blood, their clothes were torn, one had a broken nose and half his hair ripped out, and the other had a broken arm and a hypodermic needle stuck in his penis.


Furniture and equipment had been smashed flat, beds had been overturned, and the other patients on the ward were terrified.


When the matter came to court, Police Sergeant Maurice Loveridge reported as follows:


"…. the fight took place in a ward full of elderly Alzheimer's patients, and it has gradually become clear that nobody can remember what happened, or who was responsible.


One patient keeps repeating the phrase 'we ought to have more manure', but frankly this gives us no clue.
The two accused men do not recognise each other, nor do the other patients, and the ones who initially reported the incident to us had forgotten that there even was a fight by the time we tried to question them.


Therefore, because nobody can now recall the incident, the Police Prosecution Department has reluctantly decided to withdraw the case against both men."





These aren’t the same old boys as in the New Zealand fracas, but they’re the best I could come up with. They made me laugh.

Enjoy!

Little Dumb And Large Dumber

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”



Are there some people who are too dumb to live? 


It’s an interesting, if not much asked, question.


Certainly people do get killed in unusual ways. Of course that is not always their fault. Sometimes they are the victims of circumstances beyond their control. No one can plan for the drunken idiot who slams his car into another. Nor should we live our lives in fear of such things. Take as much care as necessary without impacting on your own life and enjoyment is the best we can do. And usually that is more than enough to get us by.


Back to the initial question. 


I think there is a lot of evidence to show that there are indeed some people who are just too dumb to live. There’s a thing called the Darwin Awards that every year highlights some of the people who have, as they put it, strengthened the gene pool by doing away with themselves under the stupidest of circumstances. Some of them are very amusing indeed and I hope to feature other examples in this blog from time to time.


This one is about two people meeting their end in a peculiar, and for the rest of us, funny way. 


It happened in the little town (called a city) of George, in Grant County, Washington. As well as being a play on the President’s name, George, Washington, with a population of little over 500, is famous for the similarly sounding Gorge Amphitheatre. This is a 20,000+ seat concert venue located above the Columbia River, that offers lawn-terrace seating and “concert friendly weather”.


Actually it is considered to be one of the premier and most scenic concert locations in the US, and some say even the world. It has been the host to artists such as The Who, David Bowie, Coldplay, and Pearl Jam, the latter even releasing a box set album featuring their entire performances from 2005 and 2006.


However the group that caused the trouble for the two intrepid zeros who are the subject of today’s blog post was Metallica. When they were playing at The Gorge, Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) decided they wanted to go along.


However, unable to get any tickets for the sold out gig the two instead decided to stay in a nearby parking lot and drink. By the time the show had started they had made their way through eighteen beers.


That was when they did something that stupid people, especially drunk stupid people, should never do.


Yes, they hit upon an idea.  


And that idea was to scale the seven foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. The rest of the plan involved moving their truck up to the edge of the fence, get on top of it and simply jump over the fence.


So far, so good.


Then they decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later.


Again, so far, so good.


But what they had not figured into their plan was that, while the fence was seven feet high on the parking lot side, there was a twenty-three foot drop on the other side.


Young, who weighed around 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the twenty-three foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm. 


Not content with that he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch.


There’s a kind of a rule in life, I don’t know whose it is (it’s not Murphy’s, maybe I’ll claim it for fasab if no one else has it), that when things start to go wrong they have a tendency to keep on going from bad to worse. So it was for young Mr Young.


He was now in a lot of pain and his broken arm made it impossible for him to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree in the normal manner. But hanging there and looking at the bushes down below, he thought the thing to do was to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. The soft bushes would cushion the impact of his fall.


This he did and when he cut the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth.


As he did so he also lost his grip of the knife.


The "soft" bushes that Young had cleverly spotted from fifteen foot up in the air hanging from the branch were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts, and jags.


All that would have been bad enough for a mere mortal but Young wasn’t done yet.


He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself.


Then the knife, which he had accidentally released fifteen foot above where he landed, now joined him stabbing him in his left thigh. 


Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.


Enter his friend Robert to the rescue.


Robert Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this fiasco and, despite his inebriated state, had the awareness to realized that his fiend Young was in trouble. 


Then he also did that thing that stupid drunk people should never do. 


He hit upon the idea too, this time of lowering a rope to his friend and pulling him up and over the fence.


The problem with this plan was that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. But undaunted by this he was still determined on a rescue bid and figured he could use their truck to pull his friend Young back up.


Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), and subsequently died of internal injuries himself.


The two were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in the pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground. 


For a while it was a mystery but the story as outlined above was eventually pieced together.


The final words on the story should perhaps go to Commissioner Appleton who summed it all up saying, 


"So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be".

Never Hitch Your Wagon To Another Man’s Horse

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Strangely this blog post is neither about wagons nor horses, but I thought the title was catchy. It is related though, I haven’t reached the stage yet where I have to deceive people into reading my blog.


This post is about Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station, Jacksonville, Florida who decided to repair some damaged shingles on the roof of his house himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him.


Ever conscious about the dangers of working at heights and on sloping shingles in particular, Chief Petty Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the trailer hitch of his truck prior to climbing up on his steep roof. Then, once he had climbed up to the peak of his roof he secured the other end of the line around his waist and slid over the top of the roof to repair the shingles.


So far so good. 


He started his repairs.


As luck would have it, bad luck that is, shortly after he started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout trip. Mr Styles’ wife, Jane, took the call and went straight out of the house, got into the truck and yelled to her husband that she’d be back right away.


"I didn't see the rope," Mrs. Styles said later, "until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street."


Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbor, said, "I'll never forget the look on Roman's face as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."


After realizing what had happened, but not before she had dragged her poor husband quite a ways down the street, Mrs Styles summoned emergency help.


Mr Styles’ bad luck was compensated by the good luck that he only had to be treated for a slight concussion and a few scrapes and bruises. 

Medical Bloopers From Actual Patients Medical Charts

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I’m staying on yesterday’s medical theme.

When I was thinking about things medical I remembered an episode in a now defunct hospital where a friend of a friend of mine was being treated.

This bloke had broken his left leg, just below the knee, while playing football. It wasn’t a bad break, more of a crack really, but he was rushed to the emergency room where he was diagnosed and then x-rayed and then sent for prepping for the operating theatre where they would make sure everything was aligned properly and put on a plaster cast.

Some men have no hair on their legs and some men have a lot. This fellow was one of the latter and it was essential that his leg was shaved before the operation and certainly before the plaster cast was added.

Unfortunately that day the nurse responsible for the prepping and shaving must have been having an off-day  -  either that or she was as dumb as razor she was using.

I told you he’d broken his left leg and naturally the nurse started to shave his left leg. He was lying on his back at the time. That went well. The she and another nurse managed to get him turned over on to his stomach to complete the procedure. And she did, only this time she shaved the back of his right leg!

So there he was, lying on a trolley, ready for the operating theatre, with not a hair on the front of his left leg and not a hair on the back of his right leg.

They eventually got it sorted out after much hilarity, all of which completely bypassed the poor patient who ended up with two bald legs, one of them in plaster. 

That’s what can happen in practice. Mistakes can also happen when medical charts are being written up some examples of which can be found in the selection below.

I think the late George Carlin put it best when he said that half the doctors and nurses out there practicing medicine were in the bottom half of their classes when studying for their qualifications.

Sometimes it shows.

Enjoy.

"Surgery will be performed under General Anastasia."

(Will it be on the privates perhaps?)

"Since she can't conceive I've sent her to a futility expert."

(What’s the use of that?)

"I saw your patient yesterday, who's still under our car for physical therapy."

(Are his motor skills improving?)

"There was some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply for pubic assistance."

(Sounds a bit hairy to me.)

"After her last child she had her tubs tied."

(That’ll cure it alright!)

"Infection resulted after she pimped a few popples"

(Petra Piper, eh?)

"Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed."

(Layabout!)

"Patient called and left word that he had expired last week."

(What a dead loss.)

"When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room."

"While she was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home."

(The slut!)

"This chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model."

(Mr & Mrs Arbuckle’s offspring no doubt.)

"I keep reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay her bill."

(It’s called CML  -  convenient memory loss.)

"Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks."

(Now there’s the first sensible medical advice I’ve heard.)

"She got my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her sweets."

(The see food diet possibly.)

"He's rather sedentary and drives a bust all day."

(Perhaps he should nipple long to another hospital?)

"Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

(Bloody bum!)

"I've asked him to call and let me know who he's feeling this week."

(You gotta get your kicks some way.)

"Patient came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection."

(Like I said, you gotta get your kicks some way!!)

"Rectal exam reveals normal-size thyroid." 

(Oh, man, that must have hurt!)

"His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid."

(Was his head splitting?)

"Following the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery."

(Always safer to check first.)

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized."

(I bet he framed that chart.)

“She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”

(What are they complaining about then?)

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

(And a bit of numbness too I would imagine)

“On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.”

(Magic can cure anything)

“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”

(Doesn’t she need further expensive tests just to be sure?)

“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”

(How much do you charge per hour?)

“Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.”

(I think this Dr has a bit of a God complex)

“Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

(What did you say?)

“The patient refused autopsy.”

(It’s alive, it’s alive!!!)

“The patient has no previous history of suicides.”

(You figured that all out by yourself then?)

“Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.”

(Some people are so careless)

“Patient's medical history has been unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.”

(On hospital food? I don’t think so!)

“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

(But was it organic?)

“Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.”

(Now you’re talking!)

“Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.”

(My pleasure)

“She is numb from her toes down.”

(Not much hope there then)

“The skin was moist and dry.”

(That was a pore diagnosis)

“Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.”

(Yes, but when?)

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

(Marriage will do that to you)

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

(There’s nothing like a good riddance)

“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”

(How long was it before you moved in?)

“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”

(Pervert!)

“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

(Anal retentive to a man)

“Skin: somewhat pale but present.”

(Sound like a job for Dr Dermott Ologist)

“The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.”

(Get down baby!)

“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.”

(Is there a shortage of chairs?)

“Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.”

(Politician visiting someone perchance?)

“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”

(That’s more than enough to have to suffer)