Beware, Idiots At Work!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This is a short selection of stories taken from the internet. I have no idea whether they are true or not, but they are amusing, and as we know, stranger things have happened.

Enjoy.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

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My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

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I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

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At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'

Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the- headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

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I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

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And finally!!

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii .

I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"

I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge".

He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

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Unusual Ways Of Saying Someone Is Stupid

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This blog is about highlighting stupidity and hopefully doing it in an entertaining way – well, most of the time anyhow. There are a lot of ways to describe someone or something that is stupid.

Here is a short list that I found on the internet (plus I’ve added a couple of my own favorites). Some of them are quite amusing.

If you have a favorite or know of any others please send them. I’d be more than happy to add them to my list. 

Enjoy.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a happy meal.

A few beers short of a six pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

The light is on but there’s nobody home.

Time For Another Test - Whaddya Mean #>@!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Sunday is usually a bit of a lazy day for most of us. So how about using the time to limber up those old brain cells. Here are 21 questions, some easy, some tricky, some silly, and some difficult. Give them a try and see how you get on.

The answers are at the bottom if you scroll down a bit, but no cheating!!!

QUESTIONS

1.  Why can't a man living in Winchester be buried in Frederick County?

2.  How near is the U.S. to Russia? (3000, 1000, 500, or 50 miles)?

3.  A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

4.  What four words appear on every U.S. coin besides "In God We Trust?"

5.  You are blindfolded. Placed in front of you is a box of stockings, all the same size. Twenty-five of the stockings are red and twenty-five are white. What is the minimum number of stockings that you can remove and be absolutely sure of a matching pair?

6.  If you flew due south from Atlanta, Georgia, which South American country would you pass over first?

7.  How many outs are there in an inning of a baseball game?

8.  How many birthdays does the average person have?

9.  If 2 miles of fence enclose a square plot of 160 acres, how large a square will 4 miles of fence enclose?

10. Why can't a man's hand be 12 inches long?

11. How many cubic feet of dirt are in a hole one foot deep, three feet long, and two feet wide?

12. A woman fenced in a square plot of land. When she had finished, there were ten fence posts on each side. How many posts did she use altogether?

13. How far is a furlong?

14. How many 1/8-inch squares will it take to make a square inch?

15. A woman travels 1 mile south, then one mile west, and then mile north, and arrives at her starting point. Where is she?

16. If it takes 3 men 3 days to dig 3 holes, how long would it take 1 man to dig 1/2 a hole?

17. A rooster is on a barnyard roof. If it lays an egg, which way will it roll?

18. How many one-inch cubes will it take to make a cubic foot?

19. If it's zero degrees Celcius outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be tomorrow?

20. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is is?

21. When is it legal in Virginia for a man to marry his own daughter?

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ANSWERS

1.  Because he is still alive.

2.  50 miles

3.  The beggar is a woman, so she is the woman's sister.

4.  United States of America.

5.  Three.

6.  One!

7.  Six.

8.  One, all the others are anniversaries of your birthday.

9.  640 acres or 1 square mile.

10. Because it would be a foot.

11. None (there is no dirt in a hole).

12. Thirty-six.

13. One-eighth of a mile.

14. Sixty-four.

15. North Pole.

16. You can't have 1/2 a hole.

17. A rooster doesn't lay eggs.

18. 1,728.

19. Still 0 degrees, only this time in Fahrenheit

20. A coffin

21. When he is a clergyman performing his daughter's wedding.

The Dog That Slept With Its Ass In The Air

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I’ve said before on this blog that I’m a doggie person. Generally speaking dogs and me get on reasonably well, with just a few exceptions. It’s no secret either that by far my favorite breed is the German Shepherd which is an incredibly loyal and intelligent companion. I’ve been blessed with having two of these family members in my life so far. What an awful shame that their lifespan isn’t more like our own.

I have found out that other breeds and cross-breeds are nowhere close to the GSD. We’ve had three recently, and each one dumber than the last. There was “Lassie” a white fluffy terrier type thingy. Nice little dog and friendly, but you couldn’t even teach it it’s own name. It had been given to us by a nice Korean lady and I offered the theory that it could only speak Korean and didn’t know what we all chatting about. Using google translate I learned a couple of Korean words, but the result was the same blank look.

Then we were gifted another puppy, which we were told was a purebred Rotweiller, but which turned out to be a cross between that and a Pitbull or some other equally macho breed. I really detest the whole macho Pitbull syndrome and wanted to get rid of this one right away. But I was out-voted. Then a few months later it started taking the garden apart with the efficiency of a builder’s excavator, so suddenly the votes were on my side and we got someone to take it off our hands.

Now, as I think I’ve said before on this blog, we have a dog that thinks it’s a cat. I call this one a Doberwaawaahund. Another dumb dog that does not seem capable of learning anything. One of the things it can’t learn is to keep off the public road. It’s never done crawling through the bars of our gate and running down the street barking as if it owned the place.

To top it all, despite the bravado, this is without doubt the most cowardly dog I have ever seen. It is scared of everything.

To cut a long story short, on one of its escapades in the street it either met with another dog, a car or a person fed up with all its annoying barking, but it yelped home one day with a broken tail, part of which subsequently had to be removed by the vet.

I didn’t know dogs could get depressed, but for a few weeks or more after the operation this dumb dog was mystified as to what had happened to the rest of his tail. Couldn’t figure it out at all. Worse than that it imagined all its tail was still there, somewhere, and it was so afraid of getting hurt that it just wouldn’t lie down. Not at all, even to sleep.

And so we ended up with the dog that slept with its ass in the air.

Normal Dumb Dog With Tail

Dumb Dog Shortened Tail

Sleeping With Its Ass In The Air

A Few Friday Funnies

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s always good to start and end the working week with something amusing. Takes a little of the dread out of Mondays and on Fridays sets the right mood for the weekend.

Here is another selection of examples of the public at large putting pen to paper without engaging brain first. We’ve seen what can happen with lawyers, Church notices, in the ER, and on the 9-1-1 telephones. This time we have a selection of extracts from genuine letters sent to a government Pensions and Insurance Office.

Hope you enjoy.

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"

"This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"

"Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her."

"In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."

"Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."

"Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."

"I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it."

"I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."

"Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure."

"In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?"

"You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference."

"Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."

"I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night."

"In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."

"Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."

"Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly."

A Testing Time

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Okay, so you called in anyhow, despite yesterdays warning that a test was imminent. Well done. I applaud your courage. If you haven’t read yesterday’s post, then you now know how I used to feel in school when then had surprise tests.

But don’t worry, most of the questions aren’t difficult, maybe a little tricky here and there. There’s no pressure, no pass rate, no minimum score you have to get, or any of that sort of stuff. And you may have seen some of them before. It’s just a bit of what I hope will be entertainment. (If you can answer them all correctly I might issue a certificate – because although they aren’t difficult questions, they aren’t easy either.)

Keep your thinking time to a minimum, the funniest results happen when you answer as quickly as possible.

For best results write your answers down on a piece of paper and then look at the answers (shown below) when you’ve finished.

Okay, here we go:

Q1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

Q2. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Q3. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Q4. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?

Q5. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

Q6. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

Q7. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?

Q8. Three travelers register at a hotel and are told that their rooms will cost $10 each so they pay $30. Later the clerk realizes that he made a mistake and should have only charged them $25. He gives a bellboy $5 to return to them but the bellboy is dishonest and gives them each only $1, keeping $2 for himself. So the men actually spent $27 and the bellboy kept $2. What happened to the other dollar of the original $30?

Q9. If you had a ton of feathers and a ton of stones which would be heavier?

Q10. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have?

Q11. Imagine you're alone in a boat with a large hole in the bottom. Sharks are swimming around you on all sides and the boat is sinking fast. How do you survive?

Q12.  Read this sentence.

   Finished files are the re-

   sult of years of scientif-

   ic study combined with

   the experience of years.

How many times does the letter F appear?

Q13.  Two boys weighing 50 pounds each and their older brother weighing 100 pounds wish to cross a river. Their boat will only hold 100 pounds. How can they all cross the river in the boat?

Q14.  What is the only anagram of Springiest? (as far as I know)

Q15.  A plane crashed on the border or US and Canada. Where do they bury the survivors?

Q16.  A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

Q17.  You are the bus driver.

At your first stop, you pick up 29 people.

On your second stop, 18 of those 29 people get off, and at the same time 10 new passengers arrive.

At your next stop, 3 of those 10 passengers get off, and 13 new passengers come on.

On your fourth stop 4 of the remaining 10 passengers get off, 6 of those new 13 passengers get off as well, then 17 new passengers get on.

What is the color of the bus driver's eyes?

Q18.  Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?

Q19.  What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

Q20.  Is it legal in the State of California for a man to marry his widow's sister?

Q21.  If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Q22.  What do you put in a toaster?

Q23.  What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Q24.  Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Q25.  How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?

Q26.  A boat has a ladder that has six rungs. Each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour.

When the tide is at its highest, how many rungs are under water?

Q27.  You're riding a horse. To the right of you is a cliff and in front of you is an elephant moving at the same pace and you can't overtake it. To the left of you is a hippo running at the same speed and a lion is chasing you. How do you get to safety?

Q28.  Perform this calculation in your head, mentally adding the numbers as quickly as you can. Start with 1000 and add 40.

Now add 1000.

Add 30 to that, then add another 1000.

Now add 20 to that result.

Add another 1000 and finally, add 10 to that.

What is the total?

Q29.  Two fathers and two sons go fishing together in the same boat. They all catch a fish but the total catch for the day is 3 fish. How is this possible?

Q30.  In British Columbia you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

And finally, 

Look at the picture below and say aloud what color the word is written in, not what the word says, but the color it is written in. There is not a right or wrong answer to this, but try it anyway. Personally I find this one very difficult.

Why is this so difficult? Apparently it’s because the right half of your brain is trying to say the color, while the left side of your brain is trying to say the word. I suppose how well you get on will depend on which side is dominant.

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THE ANSWERS:

Q1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

A1.  Johnny, of course. The brain tends to focus on the sequence and a lot of people answer “June” so if you did you are not alone.

Q2. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

A2. Mt Everest. Just because it wasn’t discovered, it was still there and still the biggest.

Q3. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

A3. None! There ain’t no dirt in the hole. That’s why they call it a hole.

Q4. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?

A4. If you answered “1” then you were wrong by “11”. All the months of the year have 28 days, at least.

Q5. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

A5.  Yes indeed they do. And a 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd and 5^th as well.

Q6.  Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

A6.  Three.  (2 x 0.5) = 1 +2 = 3

Q7.  A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?

A7.  Nine. All but nine died, so nine were still alive.

Q8. Three travelers register at a hotel and are told that their rooms will cost $10 each so they pay $30. Later the clerk realizes that he made a mistake and should have only charged them $25. He gives a bellboy $5 to return to them but the bellboy is dishonest and gives them each only $1, keeping $2 for himself. So the men actually spent $27 and the bellboy kept $2. What happened to the other dollar of the original $30?

A8.  Nothing. There is no missing dollar from the original $30 it can just seem that way. When they got $1 back, the three travelers had paid a total of $27 for their room ($9 each), not $30. Out of that $27, the hotel has $25 and the clerk kept the remaining $2. If you still want to work from the original $30, the travelers have $3, the hotel has $25 and the bellboy has $2. The misleading part is adding the bellboy's $2 to the $27, when in fact it should be subtracted.

Q9.  If you had a ton of feathers and a ton of stones which would be heavier?

A9.  A ton ,is a ton, is a ton. They’d both weigh the same. 

Q10. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have?

A10. Well, you took two, so you have two. A lot of people say one, were you one?

Q11.  Imagine you're alone in a boat with a large hole in the bottom. Sharks are swimming around you on all sides and the boat is sinking fast. How do you survive?

A11.  Don’t worry. You’re in no real danger. Just stop imagining!

Q12.  Read this sentence.

   Finished files are the re-

   sult of years of scientif-

   ic study combined with

   the experience of years.

How many times does the letter F appear?

A12.  There are six. But most people skip the word 'of' and only count three, especially when reading quickly.

Q13.  Two boys weighing 50 pounds each and their older brother weighing 100 pounds wish to cross a river. Their boat will only hold 100 pounds. How can they all cross the river in the boat?

A13.  Two 50lb boys cross, one comes back.

100lb boy crosses, other 50lb boy returns

Both 50lb boys cross again.

Q14.  What is the only anagram of Springiest? (as far as I know)

A14. Persisting  -  unless of course you know different???

Q15.  A plane crashed on the border or US and Canada. Where do they bury the survivors?

A15.  Well, unless you are complete psycho and like to bury people alive then you wouldn’t bury the survivors at all!

Q16.  A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

A16.  He should choose the third room. If the lions haven’t eaten for 3 years I’d say they probably be dead and couldn’t do him any harm.

Q17.  You are the bus driver.

At your first stop, you pick up 29 people.

On your second stop, 18 of those 29 people get off, and at the same time 10 new passengers arrive.

At your next stop, 3 of those 10 passengers get off, and 13 new passengers come on.

On your fourth stop 4 of the remaining 10 passengers get off, 6 of those new 13 passengers get off as well, then 17 new passengers get on.

What is the color of the bus driver's eyes?

A17.  I don’t know the answer. But you do, since you are the bus driver!

Q18.  Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?

A18.  The answer is 70. It’s the dividing bit at the beginning that gets most people on the wrong track.

Q19.  What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

A19.  The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

Q20.  Is it legal in the State of California for a man to marry his widow's sister?

A20.  The answer is probably “Yes”, it is legal. But it is also impossible since the man would be dead!

Q21.  If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

A21.  Well, since you just passed the person in 2^nd place that would put them in 3^rd place and you in 2^nd place. So “2^nd” is the right answer.

Q22.  What do you put in a toaster?

A22.  You didn’t say “toast” did you? That’s what comes out of the toaster, the right answer Is “bread”.

Q23.  What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

A23. The clue is in the question here. The answer is ‘incorrectly”, except of course where it is mishspeeled.

Q24.  Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

A24.  Did you say “milk”? Most people do. But think about it, a cow drinks “water”.

Q25.  How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?

A25.  None. Maybe you were thinking about Noah???

Q26.  A boat has a ladder that has six rungs. Each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour.

When the tide is at its highest, how many rungs are under water?

A26.  None. It’s a boat. It floats.

Q27.  You're riding a horse. To the right of you is a cliff and in front of you is an elephant moving at the same pace and you can't overtake it. To the left of you is a hippo running at the same speed and a lion is chasing you. How do you get to safety?

A27.  Just get off the merry-go-round, you’re too old for that sort of thing anyway.

Q28.  Perform this calculation in your head, mentally adding the numbers as quickly as you can. Start with 1000 and add 40.

Now add 1000.

Add 30 to that, then add another 1000.

Now add 20 to that result.

Add another 1000 and finally, add 10 to that.

What is the total?

A28.  If you said 5000 you be along with 96% of people who try this, but you’d also be wrong. The correct answer is 4100.

Q29.  Two fathers and two sons go fishing together in the same boat. They all catch a fish but the total catch for the day is 3 fish. How is this possible?

A29.  They are Grandfather, Father and Son.

Q30.  In British Columbia you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

A30.  Because there ain’t a camera in a wooden leg (not a normal one anyhow).