“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
They tell me it’s Monday again. Where do the weeks go? Still, there isn’t much we can do about it but start the week with a bit of a laugh.
This is another selection from my “stupidity is legal” file. Some of these are so daft that they are bound to raise a chuckle or two. I hope so anyhow. And I also hope that there are no repeats from other post, although I cannot guarantee that. Even if you have read some of them before they are the kind of thing that can stand a second or third or fourth read without lessening the enjoyment too much.
Here we go.
Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you
are emotionally unstable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed
suicide?
Witness: Four times.
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the
deceased?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: Before or after he died?
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: You say you're innocent, yet five
people swore they saw you steal a watch.
Witness: Your Honor, I can produce 500
people who didn't see me steal it.
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had
she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the
restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and
she, with him to the station?
Mr. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be
taken out and shot.
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: At the time you first saw Dr.
McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: Did the lady standing at the
driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
Witness: Yes, she did.
Lawyer: Who did she say she was?
Witness: She said she was the owner of the
dog's wife.
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: Please state the location of your
right foot immediately prior to impact.
Witness: Immediately before the impact, my
right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you
didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "Sir, what is your
IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty
well, I think."
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you
are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't
under oath, I'd return the compliment."
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "What is your
brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first
name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your
brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too
excited." (rising and pointing to his
brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first
name!"
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he
was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot
in the lumbar region."
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "What is your marital
status?"
Witness: "Fair."
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your
husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't
know about."
- - - - - -
- - - -
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must
ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you
have any."
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer
that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me
nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia,
when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp
the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what
did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My
whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
- - - - - -
- - - -
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter
is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were
shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot
midway between the fracas and the naval."
===============
