Courting Disasters

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

No, not the romantic kind of courting disasters, not this time anyhow. Today it’s another selection from the courts.

You may forgive the witness and jury member responses (although some of them are really dumb), but it is hard to believe when you read some of this that these lawyers have had the benefit of an expensive education.

Money and time wasted?

Judge for yourselves.

Enjoy.

But first a joke….

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying in court.

The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was
exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Defendant: I remember when I was in your courtroom in 1956 when you was a municipal judge

Counsel: I don’t think we should go into that

Defendant: Not guilty, too

Counsel: Well, we all make mistakes, sir, but you didn’t make one

Defendant: Well you made one, I was guilty

District Attorney: Okay. How much earlier had you used cocaine?

Defendant: I was getting high all that day

District Attorney: All right. So you were using cocaine. Were you free-basing cocaine?

Defendant: No I bought it.

Counsel: Okay. Now let me ask you again, had you been drinking that day? Alcohol, I mean?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Had you?

Defendant’s Counsel  Answer it audibly

Counsel: Had you been drinking alcohol that day?

Defendant: Audibly

Counsel: What were you drinking, beer or what?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Beer?

Defendant: Audibly

District Attorney: Judge, I would object to Counsel’s characterization of this disagreement. He is giving a one-sided view.

Judge:  Of course he is. That is what you expect of a trial attorney

Judge:  Please begin

Counsel: Thank you

Q. (to witness) Miss, while you have, if you do have – you still- oh, you don’t.

Judge: That was a great start, counsel

Judge:  Are all of the defendants black?

Counsel #1:  My client is white

Counsel #2:  My client is described in the police report as mulatto

Judge: How do you describe her?

Counsel #2:  Pregnant

Counsel:  Your Honor, the defense would argue the People haven’t proved the prior conviction.

District Attorney: Oh shit!

Counsel:  That’s a legal term?

Judge:  One used quite often in law school

District Attorney: Did the defendant make any other statements to you at that time?

Witness: He told me he had the best lawyer in Los Angeles and that I didn’t have a case

Counsel: I’ll stipulate to that, Your Honor

Q: What about the research?

A:  I don’t think there is any research on that. There’s a logical hunch that may be true, but I know of no research study that would support that at this point in time.

Q: What about just common sense?

A: Well I am not here using common sense. I am here as an expert.

Q: How long would it take for a sphincter spasm to heal, Doctor?

A: Sphincter spasm is not a disease process. I mean, as you stand there, you can have a sphincter spasm if you wanted to.

Q: I could have a sphincter spasm right now if I wanted to?

A: Just tighten your sphincter and that is your sphincter spasm. Try it.

Q: Can you have one right now, Doctor?

A: Yeah, I think we all can

Q: Deputy, showing your photographs numbers 3 and 4, can you identify those?

A: Those were photographs taken at our sheriff’s headquarters.

Q: Do you recognize the individuals in the photographs?

A: Yes, sir

Q: And, in Exhibit No. 3, do you recognize that subject?

A: Yes sir

Q: How do you recognize him?

A: There’s a name card in front of him.

Court breaks into laughter

Judge: Oh, I love that. We don’t get paid much, but we do have a good time.

Q: Officer have you ever cut yourself?

A: Yes sir

Q: When you cut yourself did anything come out?

A: Yes sir

Q: What color was that?

Counsel:  I objet Your Honor as irrelevant

Judge: Overruled

A: It was red

Q: Did that red substance that came out appear to be similar to the red substance you saw at the scene?

A: Yes sir

Q: Does that red substance have a name?

A: Yes Sir, it does

Q: What is it called?

A: Blood

=========================

Another Edition Of Stupidity Is Legal

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”



They tell me it’s Monday again. Where do the weeks go? Still, there isn’t much we can do about it but start the week with a bit of a laugh.


This is another selection from my “stupidity is legal” file. Some of these are so daft that they are bound to raise a chuckle or two. I hope so anyhow. And I also hope that there are no repeats from other post, although I cannot guarantee that. Even if you have read some of them before they are the kind of thing that can stand a second or third or fourth read without lessening the enjoyment too much.


Here we go.

Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?

Witness: I used to be.

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Witness: Four times.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

Witness: Yes, sir.

Lawyer: Before or after he died?

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.

Witness: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Mr. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: Did the lady standing at the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?

Witness: Yes, she did.

Lawyer: Who did she say she was?

Witness: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.

Witness: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"

Witness: "Borofkin."

Lawyer: "What's his first name?"

Witness: "I can't remember."

Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"

Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"

Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"

Witness: "Fair."

- - - - - - - - - - 

Lawyer: "Are you married?"

Witness: "No, I'm divorced."

Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"

Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

- - - - - - - - - -

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"

Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"

Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."

Lawyer: "It was covered?"

Witness: "Yes, bandaged."

Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"

Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

- - - - - - - - - -

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."

Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

===============

Stupidity Is Legal, And That’s Official

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

You would think that lawyers would be just that little bit smarter than the average Joe. They certainly think they are, and they have received the benefit of a reasonably good and expensive education. But sometimes it is true that you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Sometimes of the people they have to question don’t help matters either.

Here are a few excerpts from actual court transcripts. You may have come across them before in emails, that’s originally how I got most of these. But they are funny and well worth reading again.

I think so anyway.

Enjoy!

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Trooper

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Doctor (1)

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Doctor (2)

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Really Silly (1)

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Really Silly (2)

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Really Silly (3)

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Date of Birth

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: December twenty fifth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Memory

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Memory take two

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What's in a name?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that Thursday?

A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop's owner took the stand to give his evidence.

She had identified him immediately as the robber, when Bartle jumped up and yelled,

'You're lying! I should have blown your head off!'

He paused, then added,

'If I had been the one that was there.'

The jury found him guilty and Jerry Bartle was sentenced to thirty years imprisonment.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a 
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.