You’re Too Stupid To Own A Computer

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

"If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer,
a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100,
get a million miles per gallon,
and explode once a year killing everyone inside."

Robert Cringel

I have been involved with computers for many years. I remember using mainframe machines with data inputted on punch cards and bits of flimsy tape, and the machines, which in those days had no monitors, they were just glorified teletype printers, chugging (and I mean chugging) out the results that would have meant absolutely nothing to the uninitiated.

In the grand scheme of things all that wasn’t really so long ago, and at the time it was cutting edge technology and terribly exciting, although now it seems so archaic.

In those days you didn’t quite have to be a nerd or a geek (but it helped) although you did have to have a certain level of education and understanding of mathematics and computer science to be able to make the machines do what you wanted them to do. Or try to, they were a bit temperamental. 

These machines were also horribly expensive and were to be found only in universities and larger companies, thus, whilst people did get themselves into tangles now and again, there was usually someone on hand to help out.

Then along came the personal computer revolution, which we are now well and truly in the midst of, and which has changed the world forever.

Thousands of new companies were spawned out of this revolution, hardware manufacturers, software manufacturers, various support and service industries. People were churning out all sorts of stuff, a lot of it rubbish, some of it good, but all of it difficult for the beginner to use. Before the advent of GUI personal computers were not user friendly at all. Therefore at some stage in the proceedings those who bought them would get stuck or something would go wrong.

Thus were born the infamous computer “help lines”.

I have highlighted these before in a couple of earlier blog posts “Computer Company Help Lines”  and “Cancel The Account”.

Here are a couple more non video examples that I hope you will also enjoy.

Right Click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

----

Blank Screen

Allegedly this is the transcript of a recorded conversation between a caller and a computer helpline. It’s a few years old now, but still amusing.

Tech Support:   May I help you?

Customer:   Yes, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

Tech Support:   What sort of trouble?

Customer:   Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Tech Support:   Went away?

Customer:   They disappeared.

Tech Support:   Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Customer:    Nothing.

Tech Support:   Nothing?

Customer:   It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type.

Tech Support:   Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Customer:   How do I tell?

Tech Support:   Can you see the C prompt on the screen?

Customer:   What's a sea prompt?

Tech Support:   Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

Customer:   There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

Tech Support:   Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Customer:   What's a monitor?

Tech Support:   It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Customer:   I don't know.

Tech Support:   Well, look round the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Customer:   ...yes, I think so.

Tech Support:   Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Customer:   ...yes, it is.

Tech Support:   When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back, not just one?

Customer:    No.

Tech Support:   Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

Customer:   ...OK, here it is.

Tech Support:   Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

Customer:   I can't reach.

Tech Support:   Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

Customer:    No.

Tech Support:  Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Customer:   Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark.

Tech Support:   Dark?

Customer:    Yes. The office lights are off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Tech Support:   Well, turn the office lights on then.

Customer:   I can't.

Tech Support:   No? Why not?

Customer:    Because there's a power outage.

Tech Support:   A power... a power outage? Aha! OK, we've got you licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Customer:   Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Tech Support:   Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store that you bought it from.

Customer:   Really? Is it that bad?

Tech Support:   Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Customer:   Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tech Support:   Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

----------

Is Your Glass Half Full, Or Half Empty?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

“Some people see the glass half full.

Others see it half empty.

I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.” 

George Carlin

Just a short post today, but it covers a big philosophical question.


How do you look at things in life?


Is your glass always half full or half empty?


The Australian airline Quantas has never had a major accident. Does this mean that you have confidence that it is the safest airline in the world? Or does it make you think that maybe the odds are that it’s due for an accident?


If you’re playing the tables in Vegas or Atlantic City or somewhere, does the fact that you’ve lost the last ten hands make you think that your luck is out for the night and you leave. Or do you think the laws of probability mean your luck must be due to change shortly and you hang in there?


There’s no right or wrong answers here. It just depends on what type of person you are.


People who are naturally in the glass half empty category tend to be the ones who play it safe. Work for someone else, are content with a lesser but safer position, don’t over extend themselves financially, etc. For that type of person such decisions make for a much happier and contented life.


Other people, me for example, are more in the glass half full category. More prone to taking risks, trying new things (like blogging even!), and starting their own businesses. That can bring great rewards, but it can cause more than a little turmoil financially and otherwise in your life too, particularly in the economic times we are currently living through. The safe option it is not!


It takes both types to make the world go round and both are equally important.


There’s no point in starting your own business if there’s no one willing to be employed; and there’s no point in looking for a job if there’s no one willing to take the risk and start a business (they all had to start somewhere, even the giant multi nationals).


So what’s the best? It depends on you.


What’s right? Again, it depends on you.


Just don’t waste your time with the stupid pursuit of wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else if you don’t have the courage to go and find out.


Whatever way suits you at least be content with your decision.


That my friends is the simplest secret to enjoying your life. 


(According to me anyhow!)

Here's a video. 


Enjoy!

Don’t Drink And Drive, Please!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy” 


 I did a post a while ago about how I hate thieves (I still do).

Well, me being me, there are others on my hate list too. It isn’t a long list but one prominent group on it is drunk drivers.

 There is a simple rule that everyone should follow.

 If you want to drink don’t drive and if you want to drive don’t drink.

 There are no gray areas. Don’t think you can follow stupid rules made by stupid bureaucrats. There are no minimum amounts that suit everybody. Drink is like shoes, people take different sizes. I know some people who could drink a bottle of vodka and you wouldn’t even know they’d had a drink. And I know people who if they even sniffed the open bottle would be on their way to being drunk. This has a lot to do with the body’s size, metabolism, how much alcohol it can cope with and in what timescale and so forth. But it also has to do with the person’s psychological make up too.

Some people will get drunk just because they think they should be drunk. Not because they actually are. You know the type, people who run about like headless chickens if they drink a can of Red Bull even though there’s just about the same amount of caffeine in it as in a cup of tea or coffee. What they’ve really done is swallow the advertising hype as well as the Red Bull. Personally I think it’s lovely stuff, but I’m able to down a couple of tins and still go straight to sleep.

 I’ve actually tried an experiment to prove my point. One night at a party at my house I gave real beer to most of the people and alcohol free beer to a couple of the others (without telling them of course). You can guess what happened. Yes, the people who were drinking the non alcoholic beer got just as drunk and had just as good a time as everyone else, and they probably had hangovers to prove it the next morning!

 But getting back to drinking and driving, or rather drinking and not driving, I have seen one or two macho morons drinking away and driving away and doing it quite publicly. That’s their real reason of course, doing it publicly. If you are intellectually challenged you imagine that the stupider things you do makes you the bigger man. Truly it doesn’t.

 I have also seen one of these morons plough into another car and severely injure some poor innocents, which is very sad. And I’ve also seen the remnants of a car that another moron drove into a tree while drunk. He killed himself, and quite frankly that isn’t so sad at all.

 There are a couple of videos below just to prove the dangers, if you want to look at them, but first I’ll end with the inevitable joke.

 Enjoy!


 “I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. 


 As you well know, some people have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. 


 A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. 


 Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before. 


 I took a bus home. 


 Sure enough there were police checks, but they waved the bus through without a problem. 


 I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise. 


 I’ve have never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it.”



 Now for the videos. I haven’t included any gory stuff. You all get the point and if you want to research the subject there are a number of videos on youtube.com.

 The first I have selected shows a drunk trying to park a car. If one hasn’t the coordination to do something as simple as that when drunk, imagine how much control there would be on the road, particularly in a critical situation.

 The second video is a bit long but shows another drunk weaving back and forth across the road (albeit with a rather irritating commentary from the cameraman, sorry about that). But the drunk gets his just desserts in the end and only injures himself.

Dear Abby

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I must confess as to never having had the urge to write to Dear Abby about any of my problems. I prefer to sort things out myself as best I can and usually that works, not perfectly, but okay. Other people seem to be different, which is a good thing as regards this blog post.

Here are a selection of Dear Abby letters that I enjoyed reading.

As always, I hope you do too.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?        

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything - and said it would never happen again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered - I think she is going through mental pause.                                   

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex - and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?

Gertie

Dear Gertie,

I don't know. What is he getting?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

Carol

Dear Carol,

Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

Are birth control pills deductible?

Kay

Dear Kay,

Only if they don't work.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

Do you think about dying much?

Curious

Dear Curious,

No, it's the last thing I want to do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?

Jake

Dear Jake,

Yes, and also hazardous.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?

Annie

Dear Annie,

Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Sam in Cal.

Dear Sam,

Yes. Run for public office.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -