How To Feature On The Fasab Blog

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

To become the subject matter on a post on the Fasab blog you either have to be incredibly stupid, incredibly bad at your job, incredibly awkward or unhelpful, or do or say something so dumb it’s actually hilarious.

That’s most of the time. The other way to get a mention is to do something rather impressive or inspiring.

A number of posts have also included animals, usually interacting with people, but very few that I can think of have featured animals only. Not surprisingly today’s does.

The first of these includes some really fabulous high speed video of an Eagle Owl in flight  

http://www.dogwork.com/owfo8/

This one is the Flashdance dog

http://www.dogwork.com/maniacb/

This is a Monkey having some fun with a couple of Tiger cubs

A Crazy Dog – you’ll soon see why

And finally a baby Panda sneezing – just watch the mother’s reaction!

My Morning In Bed With Derek!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I haven’t been blogging for very long. But I have discovered by writing my own and by reading other peoples’ that they can have a way of letting you release some of the things you always wanted to say but never do in other ways. That’s a great thing. Very understated, but very important and a perhaps the best things that blogging is doing.

Thus here I am writing to the world at large (those of it who care to read this blog of course, let’s not get carried away) about the morning I spent in bed with Derek.

There you are. I’ve said it.

Crikey!

I suppose I might as well tell you the whole story.

Now I am ultra firmly in the heterosexual camp, always have been, and intend to remain there, but nevertheless I have to admit that that morning was truly one of the most exciting times I’ve ever had in bed with anyone. It was intense, to say the least!

At the time, I was nicely settled in a beautiful tropical isle, where the power of the internet and its easy communication applications has made it possible for me to spend a lot of time and still keep in touch with the big wide world out there.

One morning, it was a Saturday I think but that doesn’t really matter, I woke up late, around 9’ish, only to find Derek sitting at the bottom of my bed. How he got in I don’t know, but there he was. My eyes were still a bit out of focus, from sleeping, but I could tell he was a big fellow.

He didn’t say a word and neither did I. We just looked at each other, him sitting on the bed and me peeking out rather uncertainly from beneath the bed sheet.

It seemed as if we stayed that way for ages, locked in each other’s gaze.

Then after a while Derek made his move.

Slowly he began to make his way up the bed towards me.

I didn’t know what to do.

Should I also make a move? Or should I remain where I was?

I thought about pulling the bed sheet to one side to let my arms out, but I was afraid that I might inadvertently send the wrong signal to Derek. Would it appear too hostile, or too welcoming. Neither would be appropriate.

It was my first time in this position and my inexperience showed. I just was not sure what would be the right thing to do. Nobody teaches you these things at school. Nobody prepares you for the strange turns that life can sometimes take.

So I just lay there watching intently as Derek made his way up the bed, getting closer and closer to me. It was all done in complete silence.

When he was almost level with my face he stopped.

He turned slightly and stared into my eyes.

I stared into his.

There was something between us that was for sure, a kind of an intimate respect even though we didn’t know each other and in fact had never seen each other before.

I was about to pluck up enough courage to speak to him, but before I had the opportunity he looked away from me and began to move again.

Right up to the head of the bed.

And then on to the wall. 

WTF???

On to the wall?

Well, yes.

Derek was a tarantula spider, and a bloody big one!

The preceding episode had all been a bit like that scene in Dr No where the baddies put a tarantula in James Bond’s bed. Being James Bond, and licensed to kill, he beat the proverbial crap out of his. I just let Derek wander up the wall and on to the ceiling.

Despite the uncertain introduction I have to say that Derek and I became friends. He stayed on the ceiling, most of the time absolutely still, until he took a dart here and there to capture an insect. While he was doing that he was happy and so was I.

This went on for many days.

Then one day, just as mysteriously as he had arrived, he disappeared.

I never saw him again.

Sometimes I miss him!

This is Derek.

And this is James Bond

http://youtu.be/XS3Lb7PZDtQ

Travel Agents Get Asked Some Funny Things

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Only very occasionally these days do I use a travel agent. I prefer to organize things myself online. But then I am a fairly experienced traveler. For many other people, particularly the intellectually challenged it seems, the travel agent is their first and last port of call when organizing a vacation. 

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents. Since I read these I’m wondering if there should be some kind of proficiency test before one is allowed out of the house let alone venture into another county or country. 

That’s one for the bureaucrats to ponder over, but it probably won’t happen, after all most of them couldn’t pass it and they all like their little trips at our expense.

As usual, I hope you enjoy.

What the travel agents said:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

 - - - - - - - - - -

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.

After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

 - - - - - - - - - -

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.

I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response... click.

 - - - - - - - - - -

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.

I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

 - - - - - - - - - -

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

He said, "But they look so close on the map."

 - - - - - - - - - -

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.

When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

 - - - - - - - - - -

A nice lady just called.

She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.

I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.

Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

 - - - - - - - - - -

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

 - - - - - - - - - -

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

 - - - - - - - - - -

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes."

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever."

 - - - - - - - - - -

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.

After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

 - - - - - - - - - -

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles.


She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list.


To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana.


She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of of L.A.


Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

 - - - - - - - - - -

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."

The agent was at a loss for words.

Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

She replied, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

 

Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Too!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

So yesterday’s blog post turned out to be about elephant’s bottoms. Who’d have thought? Sometimes these posts are a surprise to me too!


But it seemed to be reasonably popular so as they say, if you’re on a roll….



Today we’re in La Grange, Georgia and talking about a guy called Antonio Mendoza, an attorney. I probably shouldn’t have told you that last bit, it might take away some of your sympathy for poor Antonio.


Anyhow, Antonio has a dog. And as dogs have a habit of doing sometimes, it dragged Antonio’s things all over the place. One of the things belonging to Antonio that the dog got hold of was his cel phone which ended up in the shower.


And so did Antonio. 


One morning he was having a shower but he slipped on a wet tile, tripped on the dog and in his own words “sat down right on the thing", the thing being his cel phone!


That of itself would probably have been enough to spoil most ordinary people’s day, but Antonio’s phone, like the unfortunate guy’s head yesterday, went right up where the sun don’t shine.


You’d think it couldn’t get much worse than that, but you’d be wrong.


Antonio’s phone was one of those flip phone types and the impact of his fall had managed to flip open the cover up inside his rectum. There was nothing for it but go to the hospital where the delicate extraction took more than three hours.


"He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr.Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."





That’s what can happen if you do it by accident.


Have a listen to the consequences if you are really, really and I mean REALLY dumb!

Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

You’ve possibly heard of the saying, “Stick your head where the sun don’t shine”? If you haven’t, or you are not sure what it means just take a quick look at my logo/gravatar for this blog and you’ll get the picture.


My blog post starts in Paderborn, Germany, where an elephant was under the care of overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt.


The problem was that the poor elephant was constipated and had been for a few days. Not a pleasant affliction if you’ve ever had to suffer it.


In his desperation to help the poor elephant Stefan had given it twenty-two doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes.


Not content with that explosive mixture, Fredrich also thought he would give the plugged-up pachyderm an olive oil enema as well.


As he was doing so, however, the first concoction must have done its work. The elephant let fly and dumped two hundred pounds of poop on top of Fredrich.


Unfortunately, according to flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern, "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him".


With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he unfortunately suffocated.


It seems to be just one of those freak one-in-a-million accidents that happens.


Er…. Better make that two-in-a-million.


Here’s a video.


Enjoy!