Three Interesting Letters Of Rejection

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I wrote a post last week about now famous and successful authors who had been the victims of intellectually challenged publishers and who as a consequence had suffered the indignity of receiving letters and comments rejecting their work. (Possibly The Most Rejected Book Manuscript In The World) 

Back on the theme of rejection letters I found a few other examples that I thought were interesting and, I hope, amusing. Here are three of the best.

Enjoy.

The first was sent to an aspiring author of a novel. It was either a very bad manuscript or the publisher was having a particularly bad day.  

Dear Bad Writer,

Unfortunately it falls to me to inform you that Harlequin will not be publishing your novel, Kisses In January.

While it is customary to send out a form letter in cases of such rejection, your novel was so strikingly inept, I felt I had to say a few words.

One, you are not welcome to submit any future work to our offices.

Two, both myself and my assistant are considering legal action against you for wasting our valuable time with your relentless tripe.

Among the areas needing vast improvement: Description, character development, and dialogue. The less said about the love scenes the better.

Should this novel have been published, it would have likely resulted in the end of modern book sales.

Trying to Forget,

Judith P Esterman, Editor

Harlequin American Romance.

-----

The second is a curious letter of rejection. In fact you could say it is a rejecting rejection letter.

Herbert A. Millington
Chair – Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

-----

And the third is perhaps the letter we have all secretly wanted to write at some time in our lives. It is a farewell letter from someone who worked in the Dublin office of Ernst & Young. Now this is closure!

My leaving letter:

Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, tomorrow is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Tomorrow is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the year and a half, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "mostly satisfactory." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a ‘10 hour’ day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Caulfield: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Mairead: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Linda: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these "email forwards." I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.

And finally, to Kat: you were right - I tested positive. We'll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,

Cian Kelliher

PS: I will be throwing myself a happy hour farewell party at the Oden 5.30 tomorrow evening if anybody is interested in drinks!

=================

Funny Factoid Friday Again, And Another Eighteen Universal Truths

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This funny factoid Friday I have a few more Universal Truths. As before, that does not mean that every one of them applies to everyone, but weirdly most of them do.

And if you are wondering after you read this, the answer is yes, I have put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint (you’ll see what I mean later!). Oh dear :o(

Enjoy!

1) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

2) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

3) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

4) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

5) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

6) You never ever run out of salt.

7) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

8) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

9) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

10) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

11) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

12) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

13) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

14) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint.

15) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal his or her nose.

16) Bricks are horrible to carry.

17) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

18) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

=============================

Well Done WInston Howes, Who Says Romance Is Dead?

Until I start to write a post I'm never sure just where it is going. Some days it is a rant, some days more humorous, and occasionally it is a day for highlighting the unusual, something that caught my attention in the media. This is one of those latter days.

Today is the story of Winston Howes, perhaps the most unusual farmer in Britain.

Personally I have always been the type of person who likes to give flowers and tributes to people while they are still around to enjoy them, rather than a grand oration at a funeral or a ritual visit to a graveside every anniversary or whatever, after they have passed.

But other people think differently, and there's nothing wrong with that. Most do just what I have said I don't, but Winston Howes, the farmer in Britain has taken it a step farther than most.

Howes' wife for some 33 years Janet died seventeen years ago and he felt he wanted to create a lasting tribute to her memory. So, being a farmer, Howes set aside a 6-acre plot in his 112-acre farm near the town of Wickwar, and spent a week planting six thousand oak saplings, leaving a perfectly heart-shaped clearing in the middle. He also planted daffodils in the middle that bloom every spring.

The heart measures about an acre in size and points to the childhood home of Howes’ wife. It is bordered by a bushy hedge and is only accessible from a track leading to the tip.

Despite it's size it is a private tribute because unless you get an aerial view you would never know it is there at all. Howes has flown over his farm to get the full aerial effect, just like Collett (his late wife) he says, but mostly he just retreats there to the secret meadow to sit and reflect.

So well done, Winston Howes.

Have a look. 

Remembering The Warmness Of The Day

Another slight change of pace today.


When I was a kid I loved going to the beach (still do actually).


Every summer, or what passed for a summer, in those days we lived very much up north, there was always great anticipation about an imminent trip to see the sea. First, however, there was the tedious part, the journey there. When you are a kid things like that seem to take forever, but the excitement kept us all going and eventually we were within sight of the beach.


Finding somewhere to park was the next problem. It seemed everybody had the same idea as us. But we always found a spot and quickly gathered up all our beach gear and headed as fast as we could towards the salty fresh air and the inviting water.


While Mom and Dad took care of all the important stuff like organizing towels, seats, even a big umbrella for a bit of shade, we stripped down to our swimwear and ran as fast as we could towards the sea. (I keep calling it the “sea”, but actually it was the Atlantic Ocean.)


Each year we did the same thing, and each year we learned nothing from the year before.


On we galloped into the water and approximately 1.25 seconds after that we remembered.


The cold.


Sooooooo cold.


The water that looked so inviting was so very, very cold.


For an old person the shock might well have been too much for the system. But when you are young you tend to shrug off these minor discomforts. We were at the beach, and we were in the sea. That’s all that mattered.


After a while it didn’t feel so cold. Our feet and legs had grown accustomed to the temperature. Actually our feet and legs were probably numb by this time and would not have felt it if we had been standing in boiling water either.


And then just as we were starting to enjoy the whole experience, in would come a big wave and it would splash all over our upper bodies which had not been in the water yet and had not been given the chance to go completely numb.


It was always a “WTF” moment, even in the days when we didn’t know what “WTF” meant!


But there was nothing else available so we were none the wiser and made the best of it. There were also a few laughs too.


A friend, George, was always good for one or two. George fancied himself as a bit of an underwater expert and he always had a face mask and snorkel with him. Trouble was when George launched himself for an underwater expedition only his head ever went under the water. Most of the rest of him was in the fresh air. He must have had great natural buoyancy.


That was funny enough, but then someone (yes, sometimes me) would push the little ball thingumy into the snorkel pipe which soon provoked a serious amount of splashing and gasping for air as George’s head resurfaced. He was never very pleased, but the rest of us cracked up.


Then there was usually some unfortunate kid whose granny had bought him (or maybe even made) his swimming trunks. On dry land and even going into the water these were fine and looked quite normal, but coming out to go back up to the beach was quite another thing. You see the material they were made of often as not was water absorbent and these poor souls lumbered their way out of the ocean with a crotch full of icy water dragging between their knees. They must have weighed a ton and it’s a miracle they stayed on at all. It was so funny and I daren’t say what names we called them. Kids can be so cruel.


That was the “refreshing dip” over. We spent the next hour or two on the beach, first getting dried and then lying in the sun thawing out. Then it was off to get something to eat and on to the amusement park to go on a few rides there and spend more pennies in the various slot machines and games.


When it was time to leave both us and our money supply were exhausted. The trip home was a lot shorter, mainly because we slept most of the way. But the day had been good. Enjoyed by all. And the memories were selective. We’d do it again, soon, but we would never remember the coldness of the water, just the warmness of the day.

A Short Moment Of Triumph, And Then An Idiot Walked In

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

When I was writing the post “When One Door Shuts Another One Closes” a couple of days ago it reminded me of a short time I spent on a very small island in the West Indies. I was there with a couple of colleagues to reconnoiter the area for a small development that was being planned.

We were there for four or five days (I can’t exactly remember, it was a long time ago) but I had rented a little island house for us. It was a nice place, spotlessly clean and had everything we needed. There was no air conditioning but there were huge ceiling fans so it was comfortable enough.

The only problem was that the net on the screen door into the main living room from the patio had been torn by whoever was in the house previously and not repaired, It was just a little tear on the bottom right corner where someone had accidently put their foot through it, but it was more than enough to allow the dreaded mosquitoes access any time they wanted. And they wanted access most of the time!

I reported the problem to the guy in charge and he said that he would get their maintenance people to look after it. Sounded good, and I’m sure he meant every word of it, but I had some experience of Caribbean island life and let’s just say urgency is definitely not one of the things they major in. Life on all the islands is very relaxed and easy going, and in my opinion all the better and healthier for it.

So realizing help would not be at hand during our short time in the house I had a look round the kitchen for something I could use to fix the problem myself. I finally found part of a role of duck tape and a few other bits and bobs. It took me a number of attempts, the air was so hot and humid that it was extremely difficult to get the tape to stick to the net and the door frame. But eventually I managed it.

A pretty job it was most definitely not, but I slid the door screen closed, got myself a cold beer from the refrigerator and sat back in one of the living room chairs to admire my hard work and ingenuity.

And then along cam Bill and something like this happened. Some days you just can’t win!  

My Morning In Bed With Derek!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I haven’t been blogging for very long. But I have discovered by writing my own and by reading other peoples’ that they can have a way of letting you release some of the things you always wanted to say but never do in other ways. That’s a great thing. Very understated, but very important and a perhaps the best things that blogging is doing.

Thus here I am writing to the world at large (those of it who care to read this blog of course, let’s not get carried away) about the morning I spent in bed with Derek.

There you are. I’ve said it.

Crikey!

I suppose I might as well tell you the whole story.

Now I am ultra firmly in the heterosexual camp, always have been, and intend to remain there, but nevertheless I have to admit that that morning was truly one of the most exciting times I’ve ever had in bed with anyone. It was intense, to say the least!

At the time, I was nicely settled in a beautiful tropical isle, where the power of the internet and its easy communication applications has made it possible for me to spend a lot of time and still keep in touch with the big wide world out there.

One morning, it was a Saturday I think but that doesn’t really matter, I woke up late, around 9’ish, only to find Derek sitting at the bottom of my bed. How he got in I don’t know, but there he was. My eyes were still a bit out of focus, from sleeping, but I could tell he was a big fellow.

He didn’t say a word and neither did I. We just looked at each other, him sitting on the bed and me peeking out rather uncertainly from beneath the bed sheet.

It seemed as if we stayed that way for ages, locked in each other’s gaze.

Then after a while Derek made his move.

Slowly he began to make his way up the bed towards me.

I didn’t know what to do.

Should I also make a move? Or should I remain where I was?

I thought about pulling the bed sheet to one side to let my arms out, but I was afraid that I might inadvertently send the wrong signal to Derek. Would it appear too hostile, or too welcoming. Neither would be appropriate.

It was my first time in this position and my inexperience showed. I just was not sure what would be the right thing to do. Nobody teaches you these things at school. Nobody prepares you for the strange turns that life can sometimes take.

So I just lay there watching intently as Derek made his way up the bed, getting closer and closer to me. It was all done in complete silence.

When he was almost level with my face he stopped.

He turned slightly and stared into my eyes.

I stared into his.

There was something between us that was for sure, a kind of an intimate respect even though we didn’t know each other and in fact had never seen each other before.

I was about to pluck up enough courage to speak to him, but before I had the opportunity he looked away from me and began to move again.

Right up to the head of the bed.

And then on to the wall. 

WTF???

On to the wall?

Well, yes.

Derek was a tarantula spider, and a bloody big one!

The preceding episode had all been a bit like that scene in Dr No where the baddies put a tarantula in James Bond’s bed. Being James Bond, and licensed to kill, he beat the proverbial crap out of his. I just let Derek wander up the wall and on to the ceiling.

Despite the uncertain introduction I have to say that Derek and I became friends. He stayed on the ceiling, most of the time absolutely still, until he took a dart here and there to capture an insect. While he was doing that he was happy and so was I.

This went on for many days.

Then one day, just as mysteriously as he had arrived, he disappeared.

I never saw him again.

Sometimes I miss him!

This is Derek.

And this is James Bond

http://youtu.be/XS3Lb7PZDtQ

Optimist Or Pessimist?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Yesterday I wrote about whether your glass is half full or half empty.

Closely related to that, though also slightly different in degree perhaps, is whether you are an optimist or a pessimist.

I have a friend who has gone through life with a “when one closes another one shuts” philosophy. He also says things like, “Behind every silver lining there’s a cloud”.

It’s amusing, but in his case and I would guess in a good many others, that attitude eventually becomes a self-fulfilling predicament. He’s never taken any chances in life and he has been in a job that he never really cared for, for the past 30 years or so. He’s just counting the days until he can retire and he has been doing that for many, many years, not just recently. Sad, but it can’t be helped, or rather he can’t be helped.

As well as creating an aversion to any sort of risk, if you think things will go wrong then they usually will, and more often than not it’s your own fault. If you set out to do something with failure uppermost in your mind, you psych yourself out of giving 100 percent to the task at hand. If you don’t give it that 100 percent effort then it will either not turn out as good as it could have, or it will fail completely. In such cases the pessimist always blames things like bad luck, or other people, never their own defeatist attitude from the outset.

An optimistic person, on the other hand, will approach a task thinking it is going to succeed. Therefore in their case they will put much more care and effort into it (even sometimes subconsciously) thereby raising their chances of succeeding. Don’t get me wrong, starting off with an optimistic viewpoint will not guarantee success, it will just make for a better attempt at the job, and the better the job you do the better are the chances it will succeed.

Failure will stop a pessimist dead in his tracks because he is sure he is going to fail from the beginning and when it happens he shrugs his shoulders and packs up and goes home.

But failure won’t do the same for a person with an optimistic outlook. An optimist is surprised by failure. He usually wants to know why it happened, so he will analyze it and then try again.

And that is one of the great secrets to success. Sir Winston Churchill probably defined it best when he said that “success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm”, and although Churchill is now remembered for his notable political victories and war-time leadership, he also had his fare share of defeats as well along the way.

I have been part of several projects that have been complete failures, but that never stopped me from getting back up, dusting myself down, and trying again. And if you stay optimistic and work accordingly giving 100 percent of your effort then sooner or later you will succeed.

I’m very optimistic about that!

PS: I haven’t tried this out, but they say you should always borrow money from a pessimist, because he doesn’t expect to get paid back!

Confirmed Stupidity

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Only two things are infinite:

the universe and human stupidity;

and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

At the weekend I was reading a post from ‘A Frank Angle’ which I had linked on to via Alex Autin’s Things I Love blog. Alex had been nominated for the “Very Inspiring Blogger” award  -  many congratulations Alex, well deserved  -  and this was one of the site she in turn recommended.

A Frank Angle’s post was on the subject of evolution, which was interesting and very well written. I don’t want to get into one of those “Intelligent Design versus Evolution” arguments, because this blog really isn’t the proper place for such a debate and in my experience I rarely if ever win over the poor deluded fools who don’t believe as I do! Why I’m writing about this at all is just to set the scene for you.

The thing that got to me when I was reading this post by A Frank Angle was in the comments section, not the post itself. Now the comment concerned as a whole was good enough and very applicable to the post so I am not in any way taking the writer to task for that. But it did contain one of the dumbest clichés in creation (little pun there folks!).

The writer talked about people denying “confirmed science”.

This may turn into a bit of a rant, but, excuse me just wtf exactly is “confirmed science”, apart from being a complete contradiction in terms?

It is a phrase often see used in the evolution argument, and elsewhere too, that implies that currently accepted scientific views cannot be challenged, with the further implication that one is an idiot if one dares to do so.

Quite the reverse is the truth in fact. Scientists tell us things are the way they are  -  until some other scientists tell us that this is not the way things are at all, in fact they’re this other different way instead  –  and so it goes on and on. And that’s actually a cack-handed way to define science. It is continual observation and discovery and hopefully therefore increased understanding of things. Nothing is ever “confirmed” forever.

Science is very valuable, I have nothing against it whatsoever. In fact I find lots of scientific things both extremely interesting and fascinating. But science is no different from any other sector as regards the people who inhabit its realm.

My realm is the business world mainly. And you actually can take this as “confirmed” born out through countless observations, that for everyone who is a good businessman or woman there are many, many more of the dumbest so-and-so’s you could ever have the misfortune to meet. And boring – don’t start me on that!

Other spheres are likewise. There are brilliant doctors and there are good doctors and there are doctors you wouldn’t want to be seen dead with – except you probably would be! Same goes for veterinarians, or bricklayers, or fund managers, or secretaries, etc., etc., etc.

Scientists (and I know a couple of really bright sparks in that field) are no different. They are people and people are fallible. They make mistakes. And they misinterpret things based sometimes on stupidity, sometimes on jumping to the completely wrong conclusion, sometimes by interpreting data in an erroneous way and sometimes they have their own more personal and pecuniary motives. Yes, that last bit means that some of them make “discoveries” for their own attempt at fame or for the money, or both. It happens. They’re just people, smarter people maybe, but people.

Take the global warming debate. I’m not going to go into that in depth here either, but whether you subscribe to the theory that it is a man made phenomenon, or that it the result of millions of cows farting too much, or that it is just a long term natural cycle that predates records, some of the scientists involved have very unscientifically (and dishonestly) “cooked the books” as regards the evidence they have provided on the subject, and more particularly the evidence that they have deliberately withheld.


An engineer and scientist by the unusual name of Vannevar Bush (nothing to do with the Presidents of that name, although I think he may have been an scientific advisor to FDR) gave the game away when he admitted that "The common idea that scientists reject a theory as soon as it leads to a contradiction is just not so. When they get something that works at all they plunge ahead with it and ignore its weak spots... scientists are just as bad as the rest of the public in following fads and being influenced by mass enthusiasm."


Like I said, they’re just people.  

You know how one day scientists tell you your breakfast cereal, with all its vitamins and fiber and stuff, is just the best thing you could ever put inside your body, and then the next day some other scientist decides that it’s really bad for you?

Stop eating chocolate it will kill you!   No, eat chocolate it’s good for your heart!

Cholesterol is bad!   No it’s not, just some of it is bad, actually some of it is really good too!

If you drink alcohol you will surely die!   No, no, have a drink if you want to, as long as you aren’t driving, it’s good for you in moderation, particularly red wine.

There’s a major flu epidemic on the way! It’ll be worse than the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918!! It’s going to kill millions!!! Here stupid governments, spend billions of dollars on this here serum thingummy-doo-dah that we just happen to have prepared earlier and inoculate your people. Er…. what flu epidemic was that then? 

The trouble lies in the ill thought out reverence people give to scientists which is founded on ignorance - in every definition of the word. Ordinary folks are afraid to take scientists on because we usually know little or nothing about the very narrow field of study that these people have devoted their lives to.

We don’t look at them as ‘people who know a lot about a little’ which is really what they are. We look at them as ‘people who know everything about everything’ which is absolutely what they are not. And sadly, we just accept what they say as fact when clearly it is not. And that is a very dangerous thing.

What is even more dangerous is that many of the scientists themselves think that they know everything about everything. When they are lucky enough to “discover” something they are seldom content to leave it at that. Next comes the extrapolation based on the “discovery” which is mostly pure conjecture on their part, but it is swallowed as fact by many gullible believers.

Actually I have a theory (not scientific you’ll be relieved to know) that no scientist should ever announce that they have discovered anything that is the be-all-and-end-all of a subject. They’re just setting themselves up for an inevitable fall, and their followers for a big disappointment.   

Clever Scientist: “Hey, I’ve discovered the quark. It’s the smallest thing in the universe.”

Simple Simon: “Really? That’s fantastic!”

Clever Scientist: “Yes, I’m ever so clever, aren’t I?”

Simple Simon: “What’s it made of then?”

Clever Scientist: “What’s it what???....... Oh, crap!”

Scientists used to think the earth was flat. At the time that was “confirmed science”.

For a while, well before microscopes and theories of cells and germs and stuff, scientists believed in spontaneous generation. Aristotle said, in no uncertain terms, that some animals grow spontaneously and not from other animals of their kind. But while you’re laughing at that, many scientists right up to the 19th century believed it was “confirmed science”. Some even wrote recipe books for making animals, like you would make a scorpion by using basil, placed between two bricks and left in sunlight. I know what should have been placed between the two bricks instead, it wouldn’t have made a scorpion but I’m fairly sure it would have stung quite a bit!

Another bit of “confirmed science” was a thing called Phlogiston, which was on the go around 1667 when Johann Joachim Becher (a German physicist) suggested that it was the fifth element to go with the four classical elements (Earth, Water, Air, Fire) which was contained within objects that could burn. The “confirmed science” of the day went something like, objects that burned in air were rich in phlogiston and the fact that a fire burned out when oxygen was removed was seen as proof that oxygen could only absorb a limited amount of the substance. This theory even led to the belief that humans’ need to breathe had a sole function which was to remove phlogiston from the body.

And, of course, there was good old alchemy that had its origins in ancient Egypt and, combined with metallurgy, ended up in belief in being able to turn ordinary metals into gold, and even to conjure up genies, and perform all manner of bizarre not-so-science-like activities.

To us now all these bits of “confirmed science” are absurd. But the likelihood is that sometime in the future a lot of the current batch of “confirmed science” will look equally absurd. The truth is, although we now know a lot more than we did, say 100 years ago, we still know next to nothing about our existence, and our own little planet, let alone what’s going on elsewhere. There’s a certain arrogance born out of ignorance that makes anyone think that they have a handle on it all, and an even more certain stupidity about those who believe them.

Take an interest in science by all means, as I do. But please do not be so dumb as to “believe” in scientists. Keep you feet planted firmly on the ground. Gravity will help you with that. It’s a really good job Sir Isaac Newton “discovered” it all those years ago otherwise we’d be floating about all over the place!

I Have A Tip For You

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I have to say in my own defense here that I am usually a very good tipper. In restaurants or taxis or whatever, if the service is good, and it usually is, then I have no qualms about rewarding the person who has taken pride in their work and done a good job.

I just wish the world did likewise and rewarded those who did a good job instead of falling over themselves to reward those who don’t and who don’t even want a job to begin with.

But when the service is bad or the person has a bit of an attitude problem, then I don’t tip. Well actually yes I do, but I make the tip so small and derogatory that the message gets through.

In fact, I’ll make that a different sort of tip for anyone reading this blog, if you are in a restaurant or wherever and the service has been bad, pay the bill, without a gratuity if you’re paying by credit card, and leave just a penny on the table for the server. They’ll get the message better than leaving them nothing and so will their colleagues who you will usually see smirking in the background. Oh, and don’t go back to the restaurant, they don’t deserve your custom if they employ people like that.

Fortunately, I haven’t had to resort to that kind of thing very often. I remember though, one time myself and a friend were in the airport in Sanford in Florida. We had a while to wait for our flight which had been delayed and to pass the time we decided to go to one of the restaurants for a beer or coffee and maybe a sandwich. It was a particularly hot day and we decided to sit close to a ceiling fan. It was very comfortable.

Although it was beside the other tables it must have been a place reserved for larger meals than a snack and the waitress paced back and forth, knowing we were ready to order, but deliberately ignoring us. Neither of us were the least bit annoyed, in fact watching her antics helped to pass the time. I’m afraid our comments on her attitude and even her appearance were none to complimentary. She hadn’t been blessed with good looks, nor, from her attitude towards us, much of a brain or a personality either.

There was no one else in the place which should have been a bit of a clue for us. But we persevered. Eventually she came over to our table, took out her notepad and stood there without saying a word. We just ordered a couple of beers which were delivered to the table again without a word and without a smile.

We took our time over those and when it was time to board the airplane we asked for the bill. We left the exact amount plus one penny for the great service. It was all in change, mainly nickels and dimes and pennies. As we were going out the door we stopped and watched as she went over to the table to collect and count the money. We could see her counting it, and then counting it again, and then a third time.

Finally the literal penny in the palm of her hand the metaphorical penny in her head dropped too. She didn’t hope we had good day, in fact the look on her face said just the opposite. But, you know, it didn’t matter, we’d already had one at her expense, literally.    

Then there was another time when my generosity was curtailed, this time it was in New York. I had arrived at JFK from Heathrow, and, suitably tired after first the flight and then the long and humorless ordeal that is US Immigration since 9/11. I was eager to get to my hotel.

I got the first available airport taxi. The driver was a New Yorker, from Queens. An authority on everything, you know the type. So there I was stretched out in the back of the cab listening to this guy give me a lesson on all things New York. It was unnecessary because I was a frequent visitor to the City and knew Manhattan reasonable well, but I listened to him anyway and answered when appropriate, which wasn’t that often because he liked the sound of his own voice.

When we got to the hotel, nice place on West 44^th Street, he stopped the cab and I reached into my pocket for some money. The fare was $20, so I reached him a $20 dollar bill. As I was turning the bunch of bills over to get to the $5’s for the tip, the cab driver proceeded to give me a lesson on life in New York.

“It’s customary to give a tip,” he said in that harsh grinding New York accent. “In fact it’s expected!”  

“Is it?,” I answered innocently. “Would $5 be okay?”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” he reluctantly replied.

“Well then,” I went on, “Here’s your tip, if you’d given me time I’d have gladly given you the $5 and maybe more, but because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut, here’s a dollar. Maybe you’ll give your customers the benefit of doubt the next time.”

In truth I doubted if he would. Needless to say he wasn’t pleased, but neither was I.  

So I think the moral of this post is, reward good work generously, but do not be afraid not to reward incompetence, bad service or people who expect something for nothing. They’re literally not worth it.

Dumb And Dumber, Part Deaux!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Just to prove yesterday’s lot of exam answers wasn’t a fluke, here are some more that I discovered, again collated from the UK GCSE exam results.

These young people show an outstanding ignorance on a wide variety of subjects. I imagine a few of them will become successful politicians and bureaucrats one day.

I think some of these are very funny.

I hope you enjoy them too.

GEOGRAPHY

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What is the Equator?

A: "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well-endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." 

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? 

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What is a Fossil?

A: A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

Q: What does the term "Germinate” mean?

A: To become a naturalized German.

ENGLISH

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Vacuum?

A: A Vacuum is a large, empty space where the pope lives."

Q: What is a Magnet?

A: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

Q: Define the term Momentum

A: What you give a person when they are going away."

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