A Few Friday Funnies

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s always good to start and end the working week with something amusing. Takes a little of the dread out of Mondays and on Fridays sets the right mood for the weekend.

Here is another selection of examples of the public at large putting pen to paper without engaging brain first. We’ve seen what can happen with lawyers, Church notices, in the ER, and on the 9-1-1 telephones. This time we have a selection of extracts from genuine letters sent to a government Pensions and Insurance Office.

Hope you enjoy.

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"

"This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"

"Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her."

"In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."

"Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."

"Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."

"I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it."

"I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."

"Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure."

"In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?"

"You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference."

"Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."

"I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night."

"In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."

"Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."

"Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly."

The Basic Tenants Of Society

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

No, I didn’t misspell the word in the title, this blog post is about tenants not tenets.

They say about politicians that they are always there when they need you. Tenants are a bit the same.

I have been a landlord for a number of years and I have had a variety of tenants from the perfect, who if they have minor problems take care of them themselves, to the nightmare variety who whinge about everything even the most trivial of matters and things that are clearly their own fault.

Similarly my experience with rental agencies has been both good and bad. 

But that’s life, sometimes the wind’s behind you, sometimes there’s a gale blowing in your face.

But whatever else tenants do, they sometimes amuse, not least when they are writing to you to do something about a problem they are having with the house or apartment.

Here are a few excerpts of funny letters to landlords to illustrate what I mean.

Enjoy.

• “The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”

• “I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.”

• “This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”

• “The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”

• “I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”

• “I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

• “Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

• “Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”

• “Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”

• “Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”

• “50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy”

• “Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny color and not fit to drink.”

• “It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow”

• “I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”

• “The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.”

• “I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.”

• “The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”

• “Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”

• “I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.”

• “I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.”

• “When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.”

• Lady tenant complaining about DIY repairs next door:  "He has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more."
  
  
  

• Problems with the garden foilage:  "My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it"
  
  
  
• Noisy neighbours:  "... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence."
  
  
  

• "I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."
  
  
  

• Repairs needed:  “Send a man round with a big tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”
  
  
  

• "I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction."

• "I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them away."
  
  
  
• "This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't get Channel 2 television programs."

A Letter from the Smithsonian

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Idiots don’t know a lot of things. Their ignorance usually spans a wide variety of subjects. 


I know one guy and no matter what subject you pick, except for football, he’s sure to know nothing about it. But he doesn’t care, doesn’t want to learn, and doesn’t want to pretend that he does know what he doesn’t.


That has a healthy degree of honesty about. I like him for it and so do many other people. He’s a very popular guy.  


What I can’t stand are the idiots who know next to nothing about what they are talking about but persist in giving their opinions on everything. These people are so dumb they have no idea just how dumb they are. They are not likeable and they are not popular. People melt away from them at parties, dread to be placed next to them at the dinner table, and never interact with them socially when they can avoid it. But unfortunately they are so self-absorbed in their own ignorance that they never catch on.


When they know nothing about something relatively simple its bad enough. When they imagine in their own demented craniums that they are ‘experts’ on something complex it’s even worse.


Below is a copy of a genuine letter sent out by the Smithsonian Institute to a Mr Scott Williams of Newport, Vermont. I don’t know Mr Scott and have never met him, but I can kinda tell from the letter from the Smithsonian that he may well be a good fit for the category of pest just described above.


As always, enjoy.





Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078




Dear Mr Williams,


Thank you for your latest submission, labelled '211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.'


We have given this a careful and detailed examination and we regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents 'conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Hennepin County two million years ago.'


Rather, it appears that you have found the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the 'Malibu Barbie'.


It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, however, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:


The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.


The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.


The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the 'ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams' you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.


This finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted so far, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.


Without going into too much detail, let us say that the specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on, and clams don't have teeth.


It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. 
This is partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.


To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.


Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name 'Australopithecus spiff-arino' because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and doesn't really sound like it might be Latin.


However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate so effortlessly.


You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.


We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.


We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the 'trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix' that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities