It’s An Olympian Sized Stupid Questions Monday Today!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Monday is usually the day for stupid quiz show answers. But this Olympic Monday here are a selection of stupid questions asked by some intellectually challenged members of the public in relation to past Olympic Games held in Vancouver, Canada (winter) and in Sydney, Australia.

I think it proves not only that dumb people don’t just give dumb answers, they ask dumb questions too; and that dumbness is a worldwide phenomenon (the nationality of the questioner is indicated after the question).

Enjoy.

Questions About the 2010 Winter Olympics In Vancouver, Canada:

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

And questions asked during the Olympics in Australia. The Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, supplied the answers.

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)

A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)

A: Why? We do have toilet paper here ...

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

A: Under water?

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

A: What's the time frame?

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)

A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks ...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde ...

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)

A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: I love this one ... there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: Would you believe the Panda?

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)

A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: No. And even if I could ...

Unusual Ways Of Saying Someone Is Stupid

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

This blog is about highlighting stupidity and hopefully doing it in an entertaining way – well, most of the time anyhow. There are a lot of ways to describe someone or something that is stupid.

Here is a short list that I found on the internet (plus I’ve added a couple of my own favorites). Some of them are quite amusing.

If you have a favorite or know of any others please send them. I’d be more than happy to add them to my list. 

Enjoy.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a happy meal.

A few beers short of a six pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

The light is on but there’s nobody home.

It’s Another Funny Factoid Friday, Here Are Eighteen Universal Truths

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s another Friday and time for a few more of what I call factoids, although this list is entitled Universal Truths.

That does not mean that every one of them applies to everyone, but from personal experience I can vouch for the accuracy of quite a lot of them.

Enjoy!



1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.



3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.



4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.



5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.



6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.



7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.




8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.



10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.



11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.



12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.



13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.



14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.



15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.



16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.



17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.



18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.


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Quiz Show Answers Monday Strikes Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Let’s start off the new week with a little bit lighter post than yesterday.

If it’s Monday it must be time for another selection of answers from television quiz shows, the programs where ordinary members of the general public are given the chance to show the world what they know – often it isn’t very much as you will see from the list below.

Enjoy!

Q: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?

A:  Greek

Q: Alderney and Sark – are they part of the Channel Islands?

A:  Ooooh! Is that the English Channel? I don't know, are there islands in the English Channel? I've never heard of any. France – that's near the English Channel, isn't it?

Q: "Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?

A:  Hazzard

Q: What name does Cat Stevens go under now? I'll give you a clue, he became a Muslim...

A: Abu Hamza

Q:  What kind of dozen is 13?

A:  Half a dozen

Q: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?

A:  George Bush

Q: Of all Beatrix Potter's books, which is the only one to feature a human in the title?

A:  Peter Rabbit

Q: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

A:  Leonardo Di Caprio

Q: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

A:  Jesus

Q: What was Hitler's first name?

A:  Heil

Q: Beethoven was the first composer to use what sliding brass instrument in a symphony?         

A:  Violin          

Q: After a 76-year absence, what comet last appeared in 1986?  

A:  Spider-Man

Q: What is both a Chinese appetizer and a traditional Easter event?        

A:  Wonton Dim sum     

Q: What city bills itself as the entertainment capital of the world?

A:  Universal Studios

Q: What "U" are the Eastern Europeans who originated the tradition of painting Easter eggs?

A:  Yugoslavians          

Q: What "S" is the nearest star to the earth?       

A:  Saturn        

Q: What "R" was named for its ability to erase or rub out pencil marks?  

A:  Eraser        

Q: What "W" has a brain the size of a cherry and can impact a tree at 1300 MPH?           

A:  Water buffalo   (Correct answer: Woodpecker)          

Q: What "T" can travel at speeds of up to 900 feet per second? 

A:  Turtle          

Q: What "E" is the world's highest mountain?     

A:  Everglades

Q: What "W" is Ronald Reagan's middle name? 

A:  We-publican

Q: What "S" is the US's number one import from Manchuria?      

A:  Spaghetti

Q: What is the Asian practice of temporary tattooing, used for special occasions?          

A:  Hentai         

Q: What is the only mammal capable of true flight?        

A:  Pterodactyl 

Q: In botany, what is the scientific term for a plant that lives for more than two years?     

A:  A tree

Q: In Star Wars, what peacekeeping force includes the ranks Padawan and Knight?        

A:  Space Invaders       

Q: In 2002, C. Ray Nagin, Jr. succeeded Marc Morial as the mayor of what city? 

A:  New Jersey (Correct answer: New Orleans)

Q: A wild animal that can be found roaming the suburbs

A: Lion

Q: Something a husband and wife should have separate of        

A: Parents        

Q: A drink you recognize by its smell    

A: Potatoes      

Q: An occupation where you can make a lot of money without a lot of brains      

A: A drug dealer

Q: Something you'd hate to find out about the guy you almost married (100 women)       

A: He's a she   

Q: A planet you recognize just by looking at a picture of it         

A: The Moon    

Q: A way to make bathing a sexy experience     

A: In the nude

Q: Where you were the first time you saw the person you married           

A: District Attorney's office        

Q: A month of spring    

A: Summer       

Q: The month of pregnancy where a woman begins to look pregnant      

A: September   

Q: Something you squeeze       

A: Peanut butter           

=================================

Well Done WInston Howes, Who Says Romance Is Dead?

Until I start to write a post I'm never sure just where it is going. Some days it is a rant, some days more humorous, and occasionally it is a day for highlighting the unusual, something that caught my attention in the media. This is one of those latter days.

Today is the story of Winston Howes, perhaps the most unusual farmer in Britain.

Personally I have always been the type of person who likes to give flowers and tributes to people while they are still around to enjoy them, rather than a grand oration at a funeral or a ritual visit to a graveside every anniversary or whatever, after they have passed.

But other people think differently, and there's nothing wrong with that. Most do just what I have said I don't, but Winston Howes, the farmer in Britain has taken it a step farther than most.

Howes' wife for some 33 years Janet died seventeen years ago and he felt he wanted to create a lasting tribute to her memory. So, being a farmer, Howes set aside a 6-acre plot in his 112-acre farm near the town of Wickwar, and spent a week planting six thousand oak saplings, leaving a perfectly heart-shaped clearing in the middle. He also planted daffodils in the middle that bloom every spring.

The heart measures about an acre in size and points to the childhood home of Howes’ wife. It is bordered by a bushy hedge and is only accessible from a track leading to the tip.

Despite it's size it is a private tribute because unless you get an aerial view you would never know it is there at all. Howes has flown over his farm to get the full aerial effect, just like Collett (his late wife) he says, but mostly he just retreats there to the secret meadow to sit and reflect.

So well done, Winston Howes.

Have a look. 

Factoid Friday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


I’ll be hurtling through the air at great speed in a pressurized aluminum tube today, so just time to do this quickie for the blog. (Probably nothing on Saturday or Sunday either – relief all round!)

I’ve called this one factoid Friday, one, because it’s Friday and two, because the list below are supposed to be factoids. How accurate they are is another thing, but they make an interesting read none the less.

Hope you enjoy.



Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"
...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.



In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have "the rule of thumb"



The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.



99 percent find it impossible to lick their elbow.



Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair  -  I don’t what that means for smart bald people.



The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.



Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
-Spades - King David
-Hearts - Charlemagne
-Clubs -Alexander, the Great
-Diamonds - Julius Caesar



If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.



Only two people signed the Declaration of Independenceon July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.



Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace



Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession



Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand



Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.



In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."



It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.



In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"



Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.



AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST



At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Did you?

Made it Ma! Top Of The World! - Not Nowadays, Pal, Not Without A Permit!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

The first part of the heading of this blog post is the famous last line from the 1949 gangster movie “White Heat”, starring the late James Cagney. If you are a film buff you may have heard of it. 

And if you have read much of this blog you will know already that the bureaucrats who try to curtail our freedom and the morons they employ to help them are everywhere.

What you maybe didn’t realize is that everywhere means EVERYWHERE.

And everywhere includes Mount Everest! If climbing it is on your bucket list, then get a pen and put a line through it unless you have a pile of cash and are prepared to jump through a lot  bureaucratic hoops.

First off you will need all your paperwork in order. You will have to tackle the Nepal Ministry and Administration and various people wanting their slice of the pie.

You'll need

• a local Trekking Agency to file for a permit 6 months prior to the expedition;
• a copy of your passport;
• passport pictures;
• a letter of recommendation from your local Alpine Association/Climbing club.

And that's even before your get there.

Once in Kathmandu, you will

• file additional papers;
• have a half-hour briefing with the minister or his associates about climbing sensibly and to care for the environment:
• then another briefing;
• more papers to fill out; 
• an environment security of around $4,000 returned when the expedition has brought back the trash and empty oxygen bottles;
• and pay a Liaison Officer who will spend some time in your camp;
• a film permit if you are doing a commercial film, shooting private video is free.

Then you will need to stump up a hefty fee for a permit which will set you back a minimum of $25,000 to over $70,000 depending on various factors. And that's not including other substantial costs such as your climbing gear and tour guides.

Remarkably, despite the bureaucracy, the heavy fees, and the physical risks involved in the venture, there is a long, long queue of morons  -  sorry make that mountaineers  -  eager to make the climb.

And woe betide you if you try to circumvent the bureaucrats.

A young Chinese climber tried that a few weeks ago. He had made it 25,500 feet up the mountain's North Col route to within a few thousand feet of reaching the summit when he was spotted camping alone, away from other expeditions. 

The people who spotted him were a contingent from the Tibet Mountaineering Guide School. These would-be bureaucracy enforcers challenged him and, when he could not produce a permit, physically assaulted him and removed him from the trail.

Someone who witnessed the spectacle wrote in an email:

"I did see the permitless chap being ushered down the hill.  The Tibetan rope fixers were sent up to get him. I saw them bringing him down the ropes from the North Col to [advanced base camp]. It was disgraceful. They literally kicked him down the ropes. It was a disgusting example of a pack of bullies egging each other on and literally beating him down the hill. It was absolutely unnecessary as he was offering no resistance and was scared out of his mind.  The Tibetans should, and could, have just escorted him down the hill and let the authorities deal with him."

So be warned, not just about Everest, which I don’t think many of us want to tackle, but about the dangers of allowing the bureaucrats and their enforcers to run roughshod over ordinary citizens.

There are other hazards with trying to climb Everest too, as the rather eccentric British actor Brian Blessed found out when he was part of an expedition to climb the mountain some years ago.

I’ll leave the final word with him.

Enjoy.

Dating In The Early 1960s

”Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It's not absolutely necessary, but readers who can remember this era may enjoy this the most...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"I'll have an Iced tea, please," Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"What???" Fred spluttered, his mouthful of iced tea almost launching itself across the room.

"Uh...really?" he continued, eyebrows raised, as he tried to gather his wits about him. He wasn’t at all used to this type of liberal parenting, which was very progressive for the early 1960s.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued very matter-of-factly. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," the mother continued. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her, but of course we don't!"

"Er no, I suppose not," Fred answered, still surprised that Peggy Sue’s parents would countenance such a thing at all.

"Well, thanks for the tip," he continued as he quickly began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A wicked smile began to play on his lips.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture. She was wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and had her long hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Fred was sure that they would.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"Whatever is wrong, darling?" her puzzled mother inquired.

"The Twist, Mom! It's the twist!!" Peggy Sue angrily yelled at her mother.

"The damned dance is called the TWIST! "

;)

Statistical Summer Saturday

”Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

A day for fasab factoid fans. 

Here is a selection of statistics and odd facts that I hope you find interesting. 

If she were life-size Barbie's measurements would be 39-23-33

Coca-cola was originally green

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters

The first novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer"

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor in America when you can't drink and drive?

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles PER YEAR

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Men get hiccups more often than women

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better

The chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where he/she grew up are 1 in 2.

The amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class was $440,000

The city with the most Rolls Royces per capita is Hong Kong

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

The chances of a white Christmas in New York are 1 in 4

The portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April is 1/12

28 percent of Africa is wilderness

38 percent of North America is wilderness

An estimated 44 percent of American adults go on a diet each year

43 percent of Americans regularly attend religious services

The city with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists is Washington DC

80 percent of American men say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again

50 percent of American women say they would marry the same man

58 percent of men say they are happier after their divorce or separation

85 percent of women say they are happier

Hallmark makes cards for 105 different familial relationships

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour is 61,000

70 percent of Americans have visited Disneyland or Disney World

The average life span of a major league baseball is 7 pitches

1/3 of all ice cream sold is vanilla

1/3 of potatoes sold are French-fried

7 percent of Americans eat at McDonalds each day

90 percent of bird species are monogamous

3 percent of mammal species are monogamous

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

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